Big T-Shirts & Ponytails

self confidenceSo there is this guy.

Don’t most of these stories start like that? Well there is this guy, but this story isn’t about him. It’s about me.

There is this guy and I may have a crush on him, but if you knew the situation, you might say that I am ridiculous. But I can’t help it. He makes me laugh and smile and blush. Those are all good things, but I have never been the kind of girl that bases what she thinks about herself on what a guy thinks.

Well tonight I did something extremely out of character for me. I went out on a limb and for a second I regretted it.

Yesterday, we were having a disagreement about whether my day outfit was cuter than my pjs. He told me that he thought girls were much more attractive when they were comfortable; like wearing a big t-shirt with their hair in a ponytail. It just so happened that my pjs consisted of a big t-shirt and my hair was in a ponytail.

I may have mentioned that I just happened to be wearing that and he said he wouldn’t mind a picture. Well, of course, I said no. He wasn’t pushy about it by any means, but now that I look back I don’t understand why I was so reluctant. I was clothed and I was looking cute. Why did I think this was a big deal?

We talked all day today; I was in a better mood and feeling a bit flirty (even though I honestly have no idea how to flirt, which could be a problem), so as I changed into my pjs, I may have examined myself in the mirror. I was clothed and cute and maybe wanted a compliment.

As I have said before, I don’t do well with accepting compliments, but that doesn’t mean I don’t crave them. I figured it would be a win for both of us. So, I took the picture. After minutes of deliberation, I decided to send it. I am not sure what kind of reaction I was hoping for. Obviously, I knew what I was getting myself into, but I still freaked out when what I was hoping for came true.

He liked it. He said some sweet things. It’s what I wanted, right? I stared at the text and then myself and I started doing what I always do when someone compliments me. I disregard it, because how could they possibly think that… they have to say those things to be nice and not hurt my feelings.

Seriously? What is wrong with me? The guy thinks I am cute. No big deal. Say thank you and let it go. I started this. I asked for it in the first place.

I appreciated the compliment. It made my cheeks burn. It caused butterflies in my stomach. Maybe the reason I want compliments is because I am human, but I don’t like to accept them, because I don’t want to feel like I care about what others think.

So what I need to do is find that balance!

❤ a girl

You Watch Them. They Watch You.

inspiration 2Looking. Glancing. Noticing. Watching. Creeping. Staring. Admit it, you do these actions every day whether you mean to or not. Call it what you want. I call it people-watching.

People-watching is one of my favorite pastimes. I do it on a daily basis. When I’m walking across campus, sitting in class, riding the bus, or at work, I watch people. I do this because people are interesting, weird, and different. You can learn so much from the people around you.

We are taught from a young age that staring is bad, but I think that staring is considered a negative thing, because someone got offended a long long time ago in a galaxy far far away and made a scene giving the word a bad connotation. I think watching and inquiring others is a way for us to learn about ourselves. If we didn’t notice and look at others how would we appreciate style, personality, or character?

By watching other people we start to see how we want to act, how we want to dress, how we want to sound, and how we want to be perceived. I think this is so important in figuring out the kind of people we want to be and be associated with. So this is how we pick our friends as well.

Loving myself is something that I have always had a love/hate relationship with. There are days that I have more confidence than a circus tight-rope walker and other days when I am so insecure I can’t even look a stranger in the eyes. But I have slowly learned that people will look my direction whether I am trying to be noticed or trying to blend in and they will continue to look no matter if they like what they see or they don’t. It’s human nature.

I have decided that people can look, glance, notice, watch, creep, and stare at me. It might be unnerving at first, but if it will help them define themselves and the person they want to be then why should I stop them. If I am just being me, why is it so wrong that they look at me? If I am confident in myself then I shouldn’t care. Correction: I don’t care. It’s a challenge that I am willing to accept. Bring on the eyes and bring on the confidence!

❤ a girl

Making Mistakes

mistakes 1

“I should have made more mistakes.”

Someone on my Facebook feed had shared an image that Humans of New York had posted. I heard about the group, but had never really been interested in what they did. But out of curiosity, I clicked on the shared post and got sucked into looking at all the pictures and reading all of the stories that were being told. Some in one sentence and others in a few. It is an incredible thing the HONY people are doing and I wanted to share this one.

I felt so much affirmation from just seeing this one photograph in relation to that one quotation. I shared previously about how I have lived my life as a goody-two-shoes and I have tried to be as perfect as I can. I have always cared way too much about what people think and how they will react to the decisions I make, therefore I don’t stay out late or do anything remotely questionable. It is also why this blog is not posted to my social media. I am afraid of what people will think or say or react toward me if they knew my thoughts or feelings.

For a while now I have felt that I have lived an extremely sheltered life. I think it originated from me being sheltered as a kid, but this is weird for me to think about, because my parents didn’t ever sit me down and tell me I couldn’t do certain things. It was just an understood kind of thing. I understood that drinking and drugs were bad, so I surrounded myself with people who felt the same way, so I was never around that kind of behavior. I understood that cussing was looked down upon, so I chose to surround myself with people who didn’t use bad language, so I wasn’t tempted to as well.

All of this started changing when I got my first job, which was in the restaurant business, and was surrounded by different kinds of people of all ages who drank, smoked, and cussed. It was so normal for them. I held my ground at first, because of my fear, anxiety, and insecurities. I knew how to be the good girl who believed a, b, and c, but I wasn’t well versed in how to “be bad” or just do things, because I can and not have to apologize for them.

I am slowly figuring out that making mistakes and figuring it all out isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Sometimes it makes you a bigger and better person, because you can actually relate to people and know for sure how you feel about something. I went through a phase awhile back where I decided that cussing at work wasn’t such a big deal, now I don’t cuss on a regular basis, but I also don’t judge those who do. Last weekend I decided to drink for the first time, it is definitely not going to be something I do every night, but letting loose every once in awhile isn’t so bad and now I understand the appeal it has. Tomorrow I am thinking about getting acrylic nails just because I haven’t done it before and I have always wondered what it would be like.

It has taken me a long time to realize it, but making mistakes is a very important part of life and I am excited to embark on this journey of just doing things and not having to apologize for them.

❤ a girl

Being Yourself

being yourself 1Ever since you are old enough to form your own opinions and make your own choices, you are taught and told over and over again to “be yourself,” but what does that mean?

What defines us? What makes us who we are? What sets us apart? Why are we special? Do we get to choose the answers to these questions?

Personality. Talents. Achievements. Thoughts. Actions. Mistakes. Beliefs. These are all things that come to my mind when I think about who I am, but I am much more than that.

I have struggled a lot with this concept. I like to think of myself as an individual. Someone who is unique and original and quirky. Someone who is worth getting to know. My struggle is that I don’t feel like anyone really cares to know who I am or the little things that make me, me. I don’t feel like anyone wants to give up that time. But why? Why am I not good enough to occupy someone’s time or thoughts?

When asked to describe myself certain things come to mind. Often things that I can’t or don’t see the point in changing. I am short. I am white. I am American. I am a redhead. I wear glasses. Then there are characteristics that I consider to be “me,” but they aren’t always present. I am talkative. I am sweet. I am opinionated. I am blunt. I am energetic. Then there are the quirks. I can’t cook. I go to my car to feel safe. I cut my fingernails every other day. I drool anytime I lay my head down. I eat cupcakes upside down.

I feel like I am a good person who is interesting to be around. Don’t get me wrong, I have five best friends, a small handful of good friends, and then an abundance of acquaintances. Besides my best friends, most of them don’t know my quirks and when describing me would give very different characteristics.

They say that to be true to who you are, you have to be the same person everywhere. Well that is way more difficult than it sounds. I morph with my surroundings. If I feel uncomfortable then I grow quiet and fade into the background, but if I feel safe than I am outgoing and open. It is almost impossible to be the exact same person in all situations.

I am in this continual questioning of “why am I not good enough?” and it always leads to these experiments- maybe if I try being the quiet, shy girl then people will like me more; maybe if I try being the overly obnoxious girl then people will want to talk to me; maybe if I come off as the sassy and opinionated girl then people will listen to me. The list goes on, but sadly I still always feel alone, unwanted, and unliked.

So I am still at a loss when people tell me to just “be yourself.” It makes me cringe, because it is, quite possibly, the worst advice ever. I barely even remember who “myself” is these days. What’s the point of sticking with “myself” when people don’t like her?

❤ a girl