It’s All Good Until You See Her.

feeling hate

Earlier this year I was stuck in a frustrating situation involving me, a good guy friend, and his girlfriend. If you don’t remember, click here to refresh your memory.

Basically, my good guy friend and I were supposed to grab coffee after my class one night as a belated birthday get together for me and just a regular catch up session, because we hadn’t seen each other in a few months. It was no big deal. Well girlfriend threw a fit and wanted to come, but I was firm that we didn’t need a babysitter. We had it out in a series of text messages and phone calls, but in the end I was impure for hanging out with him, because I was single and he was not. He assured me that this wouldn’t be the end of our friendship, but that they just needed some time.

Needless to say, our friendship has never been the same and since all this went down, I am still not over it.

In the beginning it was extremely raw and I knew that if I even saw her out on the sidewalk I would snap and lose it. But I very rarely ever saw her, so this wasn’t really an issue. I took certain precautions and separated myself from their “group” because I didn’t want to see her and I didn’t really like them anyway. He and I exchanged a few texts and Facebook messages here and there, but we never know what is “acceptable” and I don’t want to get him in trouble (although I do wish he would get his own life and stand up for himself).

I thought that the summer was enough time to heal and be ok about the whole situation, possibly gain a little bit more understanding. I really had thought my hurt feelings had dissipated, but during the first week of school I was manning the checkout line at the bookstore and turned around and saw her smiling face and literally all of these feelings and memories came flooding into my head. She tried to talk to me, but all I wanted to do was slap that stupid smile off her face, so I told her she could go to line 2 instead.

The rest of that day was rough. I was thoroughly shaken from seeing her and all of the repressed feelings of being inadvertently called a slut and losing one of my really good friends occupied my mind and I wanted to lose it all over again. A couple months went by without seeing her and I was doing better or just having meltdowns about other things, but then it happened again…

For the first time ever I was early to my Archaeology class. I went in to claim my seat, but there were still students from the previous lecture milling around. I was waiting at the end of the aisle for the student in my seat to leave and then she made eye contact with me. I dared to look up and of course her stupid smile was plastered across her face as she asked how I was doing. I awkwardly looked down and softly said that I was doing well. My seat was finally empty, so I just went to sit down. Thank God she took that as her cue to leave me be.

As much as I didn’t like her from the start then I disliked her even more after the situation with Bing and I, but then for her to ask me how I was doing… Seriously? How does she think I am doing? Even is she doesn’t keep tabs on me on Facebook (as in reading my posts to my blog on beating my depression), how would she expect someone who was called impure and then lost a good friend to feel? Obviously, she is the last person I want to see or be honest with.

It is so weird how just seeing a certain person can bring back so many memories or feelings or thoughts. She is just associated with such a negative situation and I don’t think I ever have or will forgive her. Now when I see her, it initially freaks me out, but then instead of having hurtful thoughts toward myself, I just kind of feel loathing toward her and how she made me feel in the first place.

I’m still hoping Bing and I can repair things, because I don’t want to give up on my friendships so easily, but she doesn’t make it easy.

❤ a girl

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Figuring Out What Makes Me Free

freedom

I don’t want to be boxed in anymore.

There is a box for who I am supposed to be. I am reminded on a regular basis by friends, pictures, and memories of who I was. Not just last year, but back in high school and when I was just a kid. It is constantly brought to my attention that I was happy, energetic, positive, upbeat, colorful… you get the picture. It’s not like I don’t want to be those things; right now I just can’t be. But I want to stop feeling bad about it. It’s not like I am some horrifying person. I still have good qualities and “the me I used to be” is still buried deep down, you just have to look a little harder.

There is a box for what I am supposed to believe. Religion. Faith. Those are tricky subjects that I am caught in-between. Right now I am not sure where I am. I have been attending a small group and doing a devotional regularly, but I have not jumped in with both feet. I am not against or for, I am just exploring. I like having something to believe in, but I do not like all of the ridiculous rules that comes with it. I am just trying to find a balance at my own pace. This isn’t something I want to rush, because I want it to be genuine.

There is a box for how I am supposed to behave. They say actions speak louder than words and as much as I agree with this, I also think that words hit home harder. I used to pride myself in being an honest, blunt person, but everyone seemed to have a love/hate relationship with that part of me. They were proud I was their friend and I could say things they couldn’t, but then they would shush me when it was too embarrassing. Lately, with my insecurities running on high, I haven’t been as outspoken and I miss that– apparently so do my friends, because they keep telling me to find that fire and spark I used to have, but my only condition… when I find that part of me again, no one can shame me for it.

I want to be free. Free to think. Free to feel. Free to express.

 

I wanted my blog to show outwardly my inward need to feel free.

  • The pictures at the top represent things that make me feel free… the beach, Converse, roadtrips, dreamcatchers, and VW beetles.
  • The categories are more specific to what my life is about right now.
  • The Bucket List page is about to be under-construction to actually list attainable goals that are currently on my heart.

This new look and feel has freedom to it and I love it!

❤ a girl

Familiar Roads

coming home

At 9:15 this morning, I completed my last final. The semester had finally come to a close for me. It was time to say goodbye to my room, my friends, my job, and to the balance of structure and freedom that school provides me. After finishing my last shift at the bookstore, I checked out of my dorm and was on my way back home.

It was dark while I drove, so I had my music blaring to keep me awake. I sang at the top of my lungs and couldn’t help but smile. As unsettling as leaving school was, I felt so free!

I pulled up to my house and was greeted by my puppies and the familiar sound of people milling around. Of course there was no food cooked for me, so I immediately called up my best friend and forced her to go grab something to eat with me.

It is such an indescribable feeling when you are driving and you already know your way, because it is a path you have taken so many times. You don’t have to look up directions or turn on your GPS and you already know the speed limit… it is just autopilot.

Going someplace you used to go all the time after being gone for awhile is a strange feeling as well. We walked into Braum’s and it was so familiar yet it was like it didn’t remember me the way I remembered it. There were high school kids, old people, and even an old teacher of ours, but we weren’t even recognized. Is this a good thing, bad thing, or nothing at all.

Being home is a like taking a breath of fresh air. I love being able to drive aimlessly and reminisce about memories. Even when some of the memories are negative ones, there is just something about the familiarity of coming home and knowing that at one point it is where you belonged.

Let the summer begin.

❤ a girl

Random Memory Spasms

memories 1Some people say that memories make us who we are. I feel that the things in our past play a role in what defines us, but it doesn’t have to be everything. I have good memories that I want to remember forever and keep at the front of my brain to remind myself that through all the bad, I had this good moment. But mostly I just have negative memories that I want to will myself to forget. First it would be impossible to forget all of the memories that aren’t positive, but also you need those memories to know what kind of person you are striving to become, what kinds of people you want to surround yourself with, and to remind yourself when you get in this situation, then this happens.

My memory is a tricky thing. I am the kind of person that dwells on the bad things that hurt my feelings, made me feel awkward, or pissed me off. Normally in these situations, I run away and have the world’s most pathetic pity party, I shrink away and become a hermit, or I say whatever is on my mind and have to seriously backtrack later. After I pick with fight or flight I am going with it usually ends badly and I sit in my room and think about all of the different ways it could have played out if I had only been more normal, thought before I spoke, had a sense of humor.

When you analyze situations as much as I do, it is extremely difficult to forget them. I don’t think analyzing situations is necessarily a bad thing (to a degree). Sometimes it can be beneficial to figure out where you went wrong, where you could have held your tongue, where you may need to open up more…. but more times than not I do it to cut myself down rather than build my confidence for next time.

Having all of these bad memories bombarding my mind 24/7 makes it so hard to try new things and give second chances. I feel like my memories are constantly reminding me of what happened last time I tried that or hung out with that person or was open about that. I want to move forward. I want to explore. I want to be honest. Dare I say I want to be me. How do I keep my memories, but not be a prisoner to them?

❤ a girl