Turn of Events

Direction

Remember last summer, late fall, and early winter? Remember all I could talk about? Remember everything I complained about? Remember what continually made me so happy and then made me very sad? One boy.

Things did not end so well and answers were not received, because the silence was so loud. A couple days ago the silence ended with an apology and an explanation in its place.

At first I was shocked, but relieved. Maybe we had a chance at being friends, but little by little, I began to feel weird about it. It was great to finally have the answers I once felt I needed, but now I realized that I had left that in the past.

My brain didn’t know how to feel or react, because of all the history. I realized that I did not know how to be friends with him or even if I wanted to be. It sounded good, but I didn’t think I could actually do it.

So today, I did something I never thought I would be able to… I told him I did not think we should be friends. I have Jeremiah now whom I love him with everything in me and I will not do anything that could jeopardize what I have with him.

I feel that we are on the same page and have gone our own ways with no hard feelings. I think this is a good thing and I am ready to move forward.

❤ Lauren

Not All Things Are Forever

Friends

Life is full of seasons. Childhood. Adolescence. Adulthood. Beyond. To go even further, you can split these four seasons into smaller seasons, specifically Adolescence and Adulthood. Within Adolescence, we have elementary school, jr. high, and high school. Within Adulthood, we start with college and keep on trucking through getting real jobs, getting married, and having children. Through all of these seasons everything in your life tends to change, sometimes you can stop it, but sometimes there is nothing you can do.

Besides us as people, I think our friends are what change the most. Whether it be a dramatic change, a drastic change, or a dreaded change; the bottom line is that not all friends are meant to last from day one to the end.

As we go through life, we face different trials. These trials shape us into different people than we once were and sometimes people who are really close to us do not understand. We can try and explain it. We can try and apologize. We can try and revert to our old selves. But sometimes everything we try and do just doesn’t work.

When it becomes more stressful and exhausting and draining to continue being friends, you have to come to terms that maybe it is just time to go your separate ways. It is never easy to see a friendship go, especially for me, who feels all friendships should be forever, but that is implausible. I have struggled with losing friends and letting friends go for as long as I can remember. I beat myself up over the fact that I cannot make them all happy or, better yet, understand me.

But lately I have been uncharacteristically calm about my friendships changing. I have slowly been growing apart from my close friends from high school and was so scared of losing them, but now I have met new people who I am slowly realizing I am more comfortable spending time and sharing my thoughts with. I am learning to cherish the time I have to get to know them and relate to them while we are all in this time of growing.

It has taken me a long time to come to this point in my life where I am okay with my changing friendships. It can even come as a relief to realize that you aren’t chained for all your days to friends who are not growing in the same way or direction that you are.

Let that sink in. Once I came to terms with the fact that it is okay for not all friends to be best friends and not all friendships to be forever, I could start appreciating the friends I currently have and start building lasting relationships with them.

❤ Lauren

Mixed Feelings

Mixed Feelings

A few days ago when I heard the lyrics about being a certain person for an amount of time, I was feeling pretty over my whole situation. I felt like I finally understood (as much as I could) what happened and was confident that I could move on.

Then last night I got thrown a curve-ball. My friend and I were on our way to Dallas for an art show when she tells me that she had coffee with Q on Friday. I wasn’t necessarily upset, because a) he and I aren’t together anymore and b) they are allowed to be friends, but I was more jealous of the fact that she got to see him and I can’t. She wouldn’t tell me how he was doing besides telling me that he was fine, but that is the worst adjective ever. It just sucks that I care about him so much and now I know all of this stuff he is dealing with and I can’t even grab coffee and see how he is just because I am the ex-girlfriend.

So now I realize that I am not over it, to make matters worse, he texts me that night after I got back from the show. It was so random. He just asked how my weekend was going. This is a good sign that we have the potential to be friends, but it just caught me off guard. I asked how his weekend was going and I find out that he took his dog to the park and went to see Deadpool. This isn’t a big deal either except those were two things we were supposed to do together. It just amazed me that now he has all this time, money, and energy to meet up with friends, get out of the house, and do stuff…… I guess I am more irritated than anything, but it was good to hear from him.

I am still confident I can move on, but I have to understand that I will always care about him, but that doesn’t mean that I like him. At this moment (for the first time ever!) I don’t really want to be asked out, I just want to focus on me and my friendships… if someone wants to flirt with me and engage in witty banter and just be interested in being a good friend of mine, I won’t be opposed, but I just need to get over the other two relationships that are still nagging at me. I totally understand now how life gets so complicated when real feelings become involved.

Happy Valentine’s Day friends!

❤ Lauren

I Still Have a Lot of Fight Left in Me

future 1

I have never been so excited to welcome November, but here I am waiting with open arms. This month is all about letting go, moving on, and gaining a brighter focus. I have been bogged down by what-ifs for too long and I am ready to wash them away.

Letting Go

“It hurts to let go, but sometimes it hurts worse to hold on.”

For awhile now I have been replaying fears and failures in my mind. It’s funny how the things you wish could go in one ear and out the other somehow seem to get stuck in the middle. Embracing the fact that I cannot be perfect is something that I have been really working at. Some days I think I can conquer the world and others I don’t think I can manage to make it down the stairs, but I am tired of letting perfectionism and insecurity rule my mind. Starting now, I am going to be proactive in helping make all aspects of my life healthy and happy.

Moving On

“I feel like I’m waiting for something that isn’t going to happen.”

I have realized that I feel better when I am not thinking about the person I thought meant something to me. I have been hurt and confused by him for too long and I will no longer be a pawn. We have all read quotes about how if things are meant to me, they will be… it shouldn’t rip you apart. I never really believed or understood this until now. I used to always believe that all things take hard work, but now I realize there is a difference between a relationship that takes work (because they all do) and ones that leave you lost and in tears.

“You need to realize that he doesn’t care and you could be missing out on someone who does.”

That sounds harsh, but isn’t it the truth. Maybe he does care a little, but if he isn’t showing it then it’s basically the same thing. In the past couple days I have been reminded that I have options; that other guys find me cute and desirable. I haven’t always felt that way, but I don’t live in a box and there are plenty of cute, sweet guys out there who will treat me right and love me well.

Brighter Focus

“Waiting for someone else to make you happy is the best way to be sad.”

Believing in myself is not the easiest, but if I am constantly looking for approval in the eyes of others (friends or guys) then I won’t ever be satisfied in who I am. I need to learn how to be independent and comfortable in my own skin. When I was younger, I used to be so confident in who I was and didn’t care what anyone thought of me and I knew that the only people worth being in my life were the ones who accepted me for all my characteristics. Somewhere along the way I lost that confidence and I want to focus on finding it again.

I know there is a light at the end of this tunnel and I have recently begun to feel its warmth. There is hope for me– my attitude, my thoughts, my feelings, my future. I am not a dead-end; never was and never will be. I just have to keep trekking and keeping my head up high.

The past three days have been wonderful and I am going to make sure November is full of more days as great as those.

❤ a girl

Random Memory Spasms

memories 1Some people say that memories make us who we are. I feel that the things in our past play a role in what defines us, but it doesn’t have to be everything. I have good memories that I want to remember forever and keep at the front of my brain to remind myself that through all the bad, I had this good moment. But mostly I just have negative memories that I want to will myself to forget. First it would be impossible to forget all of the memories that aren’t positive, but also you need those memories to know what kind of person you are striving to become, what kinds of people you want to surround yourself with, and to remind yourself when you get in this situation, then this happens.

My memory is a tricky thing. I am the kind of person that dwells on the bad things that hurt my feelings, made me feel awkward, or pissed me off. Normally in these situations, I run away and have the world’s most pathetic pity party, I shrink away and become a hermit, or I say whatever is on my mind and have to seriously backtrack later. After I pick with fight or flight I am going with it usually ends badly and I sit in my room and think about all of the different ways it could have played out if I had only been more normal, thought before I spoke, had a sense of humor.

When you analyze situations as much as I do, it is extremely difficult to forget them. I don’t think analyzing situations is necessarily a bad thing (to a degree). Sometimes it can be beneficial to figure out where you went wrong, where you could have held your tongue, where you may need to open up more…. but more times than not I do it to cut myself down rather than build my confidence for next time.

Having all of these bad memories bombarding my mind 24/7 makes it so hard to try new things and give second chances. I feel like my memories are constantly reminding me of what happened last time I tried that or hung out with that person or was open about that. I want to move forward. I want to explore. I want to be honest. Dare I say I want to be me. How do I keep my memories, but not be a prisoner to them?

❤ a girl