Little Attacks

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I deal with depression. It is not a one and done thing. It cannot be cured.

For almost a whole year it was really bad. A few weeks I would cry myself to sleep every night and then there were a few weeks that would be [almost] good where I would smile or give a laugh. I went to counseling for two months, but didn’t feel that changed much. There were a few times I thought it had reached its peak only to figure out another bad day was just around the corner. During those really bad weeks, I spent a lot of time in my closet. I found comfort there. But it was false comfort; it only lasted for a moment and then it was gone.

Through lots of looking inward, I realized that my depression stemmed from fear of not being good enough and not being accepted. During this time, I developed anxiety and so many new insecurities. There were days I didn’t even want to leave my room from fear of failure and the anxiety of people watching and judging me.

I knew I came off as weird, a little stand-offish, judgmental, and smart, but I just wished that someone could see me as I was: struggling, hurting, spiraling. Not many people wanted to be around me once I started taking a turn for the worst. It was understandable, but it didn’t hurt any less. I felt so alone. I had shoved my religion to the wind and literally felt I had nowhere to turn.

October was when things started to look up. Someone reached out. I found a Bible study, a church, friends, a support system. It was exactly what I needed. Eventually, I stopped having such depressing thoughts. November and December were some of the best months I can remember. I was genuinely happy and excited. I hadn’t felt that in so long and it was long awaited! It wasn’t perfect, but the good days were really good!

The truth, though, is that it doesn’t take much to crack the shell you have been so delicately gluing back together. I thought the next year was going to be the best, but then came my first breakup which rocked me to the core and brought back so much of the insecurities that I thought I had shaken. But this time when I had my meltdowns, I had people there for me. People wanting to build me up and keep me company. This time I didn’t feel so alone.

Well now I am dating one of those people and he makes me so incredibly happy (most of the time). I am so grateful for his patience and silliness, but sometimes those little unwanted thoughts seep back into my ears and I freak out over little things. It happened last night. We had spent basically the better half of the day together: napping, lunch, errands, The Secret Life of Pets; but after the movie he wanted to go home. This was totally normal, of course he is going to go home, but after I dropped him off and got back on the road, I started tearing up and by the time I got to my room, I was sobbing. I had these thoughts that he was getting tired of me and that I exhausted him and that he wanted a break. I told myself that everyone feels this way eventually and it was a miracle he had lasted five months. I sat in my closet and cried. I ignored the text from him and later sent him this overly melodramatic text expressing how much I got it and he responded informing me about how much I didn’t get it.

For some amazing reason, he never gives up on me and I never scare him off. It is incredible how much he understands my insecurities and accepts me for them. Needless to say, the rest of the night went fine and all those thoughts have gone away. But those little attacks can be so scary and so frightening for a person “recovering”, more like fending off, depression.

And in him you too are being built together to become a dwelling in which God lives by his Spirit.
-Ephesians 2:22

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The Ball is in His Court

For my sake, let’s pretend this is a hypothetical situation.

So this weekend happened. It was weird, confusing, and emotional. The clouds are starting to clear, but yesterday was still pretty foggy and I was still pretty hurt. I took it upon myself to give myself some more power in the situation. (Hint: I don’t let people go very easily, especially if I care!)

So needless to say my mind is a house that got sucked into a tornado. I haven’t been able to sleep or think straight or be calm. I ended up skipping my last two classes yesterday and grabbed lunch and studied with a close friend instead. I decided to create three cards labeled Option 1, Option 2, and Option 3.

He and I had discussed Option 1 and Option 2. I use the term discussed very loosely. We had a “breakup” conversation three times and each one had a different conclusion, so I am unsure where I stand currently. So these option cards were intended to make it clear to him what I see our options being and what each one means to me.

Option 1: Stay together, but take things slow. He feels he needs more time to focus on school and work, so we would only spend time together on the weekends while just talking on the phone and texting during the week. Open communication and being honest about how we feel about everything; no secrets. Making an effort to show the other that they care in anyway they deem fit. Show affection, because attraction is not something to be ashamed of. Meet each other halfway; 50 from me and 50 from him… understand that we are both messy humans and we can’t be perfect.

Option 2: Breakup, but stay friends. This would have to come with more boundaries. Of course we will spend time together, but not so much expectation. No touching though besides hugs, because I happen to be extremely attracted to him and vice versa, so that could get messy. No jealousy; if he picks this I will be single, so he cannot lay claim to me. I am not on hold for him; it will be my choice if I choose to wait for him to get his shit together.

Option 3: Breakup, and not be friends. This is what it sounds like. Minimal communication. No planned hangouts, only accidental stuff when we both happen to be at the same event or something. No touching. No jealousy. [This really isn’t in the running…]

So anyhow I gave them to him last night around 5pm and I still haven’t heard anything, but I am calmer than I have been in awhile. I actually drove over there earlier to nicely demand an answer, but he wasn’t home, so now I have to give him more time to think. It sounds ridiculous, but he really does have a lot going on and a lot to think about, so I don’t hate him for trying. Picking between a sweet girl and everything else can be hard, so I have so much respect for him.

I’ll keep y’all posted on this hypothetical situation!

❤ Lauren

 

“Put your head right here.”

scandal 2I’ve been really into Scandal lately and I just started season 3 a couple days ago. I was just watching season 3 episode 4 ‘Say Hello to My Little Friend’ and there was a scene at the end involving Olivia and Jake.

Let me just be clear and say that I love Jacob Ballard. He is my favorite male character on this show and I adore him. It may be because I originally fell for him when he was Henry on Grey’s Anatomy, but for whatever reason I will root for him not matter who he is pursuing.

Jake and Olivia’s relationship is actually not what this post is about. This post is about this really small gesture that he makes in this scene that really spoke to me. Olivia has recently learned about who her father is and what he is capable of. In this scene, Olivia puts her head in her hands and Jake reaches over and places his hand on her knee and tells her not to cry. She tells him she isn’t crying, but trying not to scream. He leans back on the couch and points to chest right where his heart should be and tells her to lay her head there. She looks at him funny and when she sees he isn’t kidding, she puts her head there. He then tells her he isn’t going anywhere.

That might seem silly or unimportant, but it speaks volumes to me. I am one of the most awkward people and I don’t know much about relationships, because I have never been in one. I have my theories as to why that is, but I am also surrounded by my own issues. Some people can accept these issues and love me anyway whereas others cannot.

I’ll be honest and say that I really want a man in my life that can accept these issues. Accept that I am not perfect, but awkward, weird, and a bit fragile although I don’t like to admit it. I want a man who can sit with me when I am going through something and just invite me to lean on him and he will help hold me afloat. That taking it slow is okay and that he will be there for when I am ready.

I know Jake is just a TV character and this scene was written by a woman, but I really think my thoughtful yet strong man is out there and I am trying to wait patiently for him.

❤ a girl

Too Close Too Quick?

cuddling 1I was talking on the phone earlier with Ketchup, one of my best friends who lives in a different state, and she was telling me all about this new guy she is “hanging out with.” I found out about him early last week and it didn’t bother me at all. Ketchup always has a new guy she is talking to, so this was no different. Except now she likes to inform me of how often they see each other and what they do.

Cuddling and making out seems to be the number one activities they engage in. But they aren’t dating. I don’t know if this is normal or if I am just weird, but this seems odd to me. I asked when he was going to make her his girlfriend and she tells me that she doesn’t know, but she is fine with just getting to know each other. Apparently they talk every day, but I can’t imagine how much ‘getting to know each other’ gets done when they’re tongues are down each other’s throats.

Maybe I am just old school or maybe it is my fear of intimacy, but cuddling and kissing scares the hell out of me. I just can’t fathom getting so close with someone and letting them in, when they may decide you aren’t worth it or they don’t like you. I also can’t imagine doing it, because I have never done it before; what if I am bad at it and that makes everything awkward. [This is where the what-ifs spur out of control]

Sure I think it would be nice to cuddle with someone or have someone spontaneously kiss me. I dream about that all the time, but actually having it happen in real life would be crazy incredible, because it takes a lot for me to let someone in, so I hope that there is a patient guy out there just for me.

You know how there are those people out there who see someone and just want to know what it would be like to have their arms around them or what it would feel like to kiss them. Well I am not one of those people. Maybe I am not that way, because I’ve never experienced that before. Most of the time when I start to like someone (because I am the girl with all the crushes) I picture us just doing life together. What it would be like to go grocery shopping together or to cook a meal together or just doing silly, weird things together.

I don’t know if I am like this, because something is wrong with me or because of how I was raised or because I have never experienced closeness before, but I will continue to hope and dream that there is potential in me to be open if the opportunity showed itself and that there is a guy out there who is patient and willing to understand me.

❤ a girl