Stick In The Mud

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stick in the mud: (n) a person who is dull and unadventurous and who resists change

Something I need to face is how people view me. I like to claim that I don’t care what people think, but everyone knows this is a lie. No matter how hard I try to just be me and do my own thing, somewhere deep down inside I am consciously analyzing what those around me think. Some may say that I do this because I am shallow or that it is natural and everyone – on some level – thinks about how they are viewed, but I attribute it to how I was treated when I was younger.

You may be thinking that I was bullied, but I would not call it that. What happened to me was not on purpose and it was not intended to be hurtful. As far back as I can remember, I have been endlessly teased by family and friends about being a “stick in the mud” and that I need to loosen up and try to have a good time. I cannot even count all the times I have been told this in some way or another. Most people would laugh it off, move on, not think about it again, but for me it replays in my mind constantly. Whenever I am at a party or event or just hanging out with friends, I am so consciously aware of when I laugh, smile, speak… Instead of helping me loosen up and get out of my head, being told that just made me more self-conscious and awkward.

I know I am not the life of the party, but I have never felt that I am boring or dull, but after being told that so many times, somewhere along the line I started to believe it. I found that I was smiling and laughing less, I lost any desire to hang out with people, and I criticized every social decision I made. Now after an awkward situation, fight with a friend, or difficult day, I come home and have a meltdown instead of shaking it off. Now, I cry about being unmemorable, easily forgotten, boring, dull. I feel as if my personality is lacking somehow in comparison to everyone else.

I know these things I feel are irrational, but sometimes I analyze my life or my self and I can see how I am a stick in the mud and it creates this hate toward myself and this ache in my chest. I want to be liked and accepted for who I am, not called names in a joking manner. I really wish people would understand that just because something is said in a way that is meant to not be taken to heart, literally, or seriously, doesn’t mean it hurts any less. I know my friends and family were not trying to hurt me or make me self-conscious, but they did anyway and their words don’t just go away. It altered how I see myself and it has proven to be a long road ahead to repair the damage.

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I Have No Default Feeling

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Sassy. Sweet. Sarcastic. Sad. Spazzy. Shocked. Energetic. Awkward. Quiet. Loud. Joyful. Talkative. Angry. Unsure. Irritated. Prissy. Happy. Depressed.

I do not believe that people have set characteristics or a default setting. I don’t think there are happy people and sad people. I think that we get to choose how we feel. I think we get to choose how we let the situations life throws our way affects and changes us.

Everyone has different sides that show at different times. There are some people who know me as the loudest, spazziest, most outspoken person they have ever encountered, yet there are some people who have never heard me say a word and witness me trip over my own feet.

I have certain friends who get the privilege of hearing my rants, others who only hear about the good moments, and those really special ones who get to enjoy both. Some people have never heard me raise my voice where others have endured my angry wrath. Sometimes I let loose, but most of the time I clam up.

Just call me queen of the eye-roll, master of car concerts, never-miss-a-beat opinion giver, and administer of the silent treatment. I am not one thing, but multiple things and I believe that everyone is this way.

So be sure to think twice before jumping to conclusions when someone is acting different… We cannot expect someone to be the same at all times in all situations. I change. You change. They change. This makes us people.

❤ a girl

If You’re Happy And You Know It

Bring me down… can’t nothing…
Bring me down… my level’s too high…

It’s been a week with lots of laughter, smiles, and only a split second of tears. I am so excited to relay this to y’all!! 🙂

It has been such a long time since I was able to feel comfortable just being me in my own skin. It has been too long since I have felt surrounded by people who accept me for who I am and all of my little quirks. And I have to be honest, this change feels amazing!

Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof

Lately, I have just been feeling like the sky is the limit. Not necessarily that I want to pursue world peace or write a book, but I just don’t want to hold myself back. I just want to walk to my own beat and own it. You can try and stop me, but I can promise you that you won’t succeed!

Because I’m happy
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you

I have sort of rediscovered that you are in charge of your happiness. If I want to eat fast food on the daily or sing at the top of my lungs or dance through the aisles of CVS at midnight… well I’m going to do it and no one can stop me. I’m tired of living by other people’s standards. If those around me are embarrassed by me, then they can find a new friend. I am going to do what makes me happy and stick my tongue at those who have a problem with it!

Because I’m happy
Clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do

This is how I want to be. Free! I don’t want to live by other people’s rules. No one knows what best for me better than me. Whether that means who I spend my time with, what I eat, or how I act… I may have to learn the hard way sometimes, but I am breaking out of my box, because I have missed my fiery spirit and am all too eager to let it out once more.

❤ a girl

Figuring Out What Makes Me Free

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I don’t want to be boxed in anymore.

There is a box for who I am supposed to be. I am reminded on a regular basis by friends, pictures, and memories of who I was. Not just last year, but back in high school and when I was just a kid. It is constantly brought to my attention that I was happy, energetic, positive, upbeat, colorful… you get the picture. It’s not like I don’t want to be those things; right now I just can’t be. But I want to stop feeling bad about it. It’s not like I am some horrifying person. I still have good qualities and “the me I used to be” is still buried deep down, you just have to look a little harder.

There is a box for what I am supposed to believe. Religion. Faith. Those are tricky subjects that I am caught in-between. Right now I am not sure where I am. I have been attending a small group and doing a devotional regularly, but I have not jumped in with both feet. I am not against or for, I am just exploring. I like having something to believe in, but I do not like all of the ridiculous rules that comes with it. I am just trying to find a balance at my own pace. This isn’t something I want to rush, because I want it to be genuine.

There is a box for how I am supposed to behave. They say actions speak louder than words and as much as I agree with this, I also think that words hit home harder. I used to pride myself in being an honest, blunt person, but everyone seemed to have a love/hate relationship with that part of me. They were proud I was their friend and I could say things they couldn’t, but then they would shush me when it was too embarrassing. Lately, with my insecurities running on high, I haven’t been as outspoken and I miss that– apparently so do my friends, because they keep telling me to find that fire and spark I used to have, but my only condition… when I find that part of me again, no one can shame me for it.

I want to be free. Free to think. Free to feel. Free to express.

 

I wanted my blog to show outwardly my inward need to feel free.

  • The pictures at the top represent things that make me feel free… the beach, Converse, roadtrips, dreamcatchers, and VW beetles.
  • The categories are more specific to what my life is about right now.
  • The Bucket List page is about to be under-construction to actually list attainable goals that are currently on my heart.

This new look and feel has freedom to it and I love it!

❤ a girl

Being a One-On-One Person

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Most people don’t believe me when I say that I am an introvert. They look at me dumbfounded and when they find their voice they say “but you like to talk” as if I don’t know myself or understand what I just told them. When this happens I feel like I have to defend myself, but I don’t.

Sometimes there are these moments that remind me that I am not the most outgoing person. Sure, I can be, but there are situations when I just want to curl into a ball and melt away.

Tonight was one of those nights.

I like to be in control… of everything! I picked up a shift at my old job tonight and I was on point. I am a hostess at a local restaurant and being bossy and on top of things is what I do best. I like to keep things in order and do things my way and my six hour shift flew by. Lots of running, sweating, speaking, and smiling, but it was a fun night. I felt confident, because that is my element.

When I got off work my good friend’s brother (the guy I started talking to a couple weeks ago) asked me to come to his going away for the summer party. I had kind of been side stepping the whole thing since it was posted online, because hanging out with people that I don’t know is hard for me, but when he specifically asked me to come, I decided the nice thing to do was make an appearance.

By the time I had freshened up and was on my way, he texted me letting me know that the party had fizzled out, but that he still had a few friends over if I wanted to still stop by. I agreed and when I got there he told me that his sister was there. Thank God, because otherwise I don’t know what I would have done. I said hi to him, but immediately went to talk to her, because she is who I am comfortable with.

At one point, he asked me to come outside and meet his friends, so I did and that was terribly awkward. I’m slightly older than them to make matters worse. I felt so out of place. They were his old friends from high school, so they were talking about people I didn’t know and memories I wasn’t apart of and subjects I have no knowledge on. I practically stood there like a moron.

I’m already self-conscious, so it was just one of those moments when I wished so hard that I would just miraculously disappear. I felt bad too, because he invited me and I was acting strange. I hoped I hadn’t come off rude either. This just reiterated to me that I am a one-one-one person. I can talk for hours about life and other things, but when put in a group, I just fade away and lose my voice.

The whole time I was practically sweating and my mind wouldn’t stop roaming. Eventually he and his friends left, which left his sister and I alone to talk. I left a little after and I feel much better now that I am back to being alone. But now I am stuck wondering whether it was weird for everyone or just super obvious to me.

I just keep reminding myself that being introverted and not the life of the party isn’t a bad thing, it is just a thing about me.

❤ a girl