Finding My Fire

In the throes of trying to make everyone in my life happy, I not only failed, but I also lost the very essence of what made me me. I used to be a quirky, loud, upbeat, and outspoken person. I said whatever was on my mind whether it was through words or facial expressions. I drove with my windows down and music up while singing at the top of my lungs. I wasn’t ashamed to speak my mind or do things my own way. I would always be lost in a book no matter where I was. I was different, but I was proud.

Then people decided to criticize who I was, alter my personality, and shame me. It ranged from serious to simple, but all of it affected me the same. I could see their judgement on their faces and hear it in their voices. So little by little I would just agree with what they said or apologize for doing stuff my way and eventually there was none of me left. Because of this I became confused; I didn’t know what to do or say. I became self-conscious; I tried to pinpoint everything about me someone did or could have a problem with. I became sad; I couldn’t figure out why I couldn’t just be accepted as is.

Through months of depression, of hours spent in my closet, of crying myself to sleep, I thought I was lost for good, but God provided me with one person who has the most understanding and patient spirit and who did accept me as is. Little by little, I started feeling more and more comfortable around him and letting him see little glimpses of who I really am and what I really think. He would encourage me to outwardly be that version of myself, because there was nothing wrong with it. Although I still have fear that I will end up doing something that makes him run, but so far he has only been a blessing!

I am no longer going to let anyone or anything alter who I am. I am an outspoken, honest, and blunt person; sorry not sorry if that bothers you. I am a loud, tone-deaf, colorful person; sorry not sorry if that bothers you. I am a bookworm, binge-watcher, and country music lover; sorry not sorry if that bothers you. I will not apologize for or change myself. If you have a problem with who I am or if what I do bothers you, then keep on moving, because this is me and that is how it is going to be.

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We Can’t All Be Hourglasses

flat chested

Being confident seems like a catch-22 sometimes.

My personality isn’t really a problem. That molds itself to whatever situation I find myself in and my sass can handle itself, but there are times when I am not confident with my physical self as I am with my mental self.

Let’s just get this straight: I am 5’1 (and a fourth). I am 97 pounds. I have A-cup breasts. I have no butt. My feet are a size 5 and a half.

Now there is nothing wrong with being a petite woman. I can embrace it for the most part and have been ever since I was very little and everyone started looking different than the stick that I am. But it can become difficult to keep that confidence and be proud of your body.

First, you can’t control what you look like. When we get down to it, the basis of what we look like has to do with genes. I have blue eyes and pale skin, plus I am short. Well my parents happen to look a lot like that.

Second, I happen to have a fast metabolism, so I get so frustrated when people tell me I need to “put meat on my bones”… hello! Do y’all just think I don’t feed myself, because I am actually quite the pig.

Third, it becomes an ordeal to see yourself as a beautiful woman and believe that somewhere out there a handsome boy will too, when everywhere I go I get mistaken for a child (as young as 12). I know I will “be grateful for this when I am older”, but honestly no one wants to be told this every day. Sometimes I just want someone to realize that I am, in fact, 20 years old.

Lastly, there is all this talk about body type. It has always been a thing that society tells all girls they need to be skinny and look like models, but I don’t think this is the case all the time. I am all for plus size models and more realistic looking manikins, but people need to understand that there is this fine line. Bigger girls are told they need to be smaller and smaller girls are told they need to be bigger, but there is no perfect size.

We have artists singing songs about how men like curvy girls and I appreciate that they are standing up for themselves, but I don’t feel like we have reached equality in this war between thin females and larger females. We are all beautiful and should lift each other up and encourage one another. We should be proud that we don’t all look the same. I am a skinny, curve-less girl by no choice of my own and I am tired of feeling self-conscious about it one day and ashamed the next.

This all came to me earlier when I was at a lingerie shower (which by the way I survived 😉 ). There were these cookies that one girl had made and they were all of these very voluptuous butts and breasts. It wasn’t a big deal, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that this is what society expects; big booty girls with breasts to match.

I don’t know why this has struck a chord in me, but I guess I am just tired of the endless hooplah about female body image. I am tired of hearing that society tells woman they should be thin, because I don’t think that is what society preaches anymore. I think society preaches that you should be “just right”, but there isn’t a just right. Depending on what body type you have is what dictates what society tells you. As a female I want to stop feeling inadequate just because I am a small and I want my friends to stop feeling inadequate because they are curvy, plump, or pear shaped.

We are all beautiful and perfect and if you wish to lose weight or tone your body then let that be up to you and not by the people around you.

❤ a girl

P.S. This whole “body pride” thing all started earlier when I was picking out what to wear to the shower. I chose this summer dress that was airy and had spaghetti straps. I realized that it looked super cute on me, but that no one else at the party could have pulled it off. At that moment I was so proud of my figure and decided to embrace my no butt, flat-chest body and work it to the best of my ability.

Finding My Somewhere

place for meSometimes I feel out of place. Sometimes I don’t feel like I belong. Sometimes I feel like the odd-man-out. Sometimes I feel lonely in a crowd. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one. Sometimes I feel my voice isn’t heard. Sometimes I feel lost. Sometimes I feel nothing at all.

I want to know what it is like to learn, grow, and flourish while being comfortable in my own skin. When I was younger (before senior year of high school) I was so bold and sure of myself. Then, like a flip of a switch, I wasn’t inside and out. I could still talk the talk on the outside, but on the inside I was falling apart and so insecure.

To this day I am like that. Just a few weeks ago, I was talking to this guy and at one point he said I talked to much and it got annoying. Of course there were other negative things said, but when I was telling my friend about it, I told her what he said, but then I followed up with “I don’t care, because I love myself a little too much”. The fact was that as much as I do love myself and all of my quirks, I did care what he said. I shouldn’t, but what if that is my hindrance to be in a relationship.

I didn’t appreciate the fact that he was trying to make me feel uncomfortable about my personality. My blunt, talkative demeanor is something that I define myself by and he was compromising that shell. Sadly, he was a co-worker, so for the few days after that we worked together, I no longer felt at ease at work. Being at work had always been a place that I could be me and others appreciated it, but with his condescending attitude there, it became a place I no longer wanted to be.

My ‘somewhere’ isn’t just a physical destination (although I can’t wait to find somewhere to settle down that I can call my future), but also a mental one. A place of comfort with my friends, my choices, my body, and my personality. A place where being me is something to be proud of instead of something to be questioned. I know my ‘somewhere’ is out there and I am going to find it.

❤ a girl

I Am Me & I Am Proud

being yourself 5bI have previously mentioned how I get told “be yourself” on a regular basis and that I don’t really understand what it means. Well I have been thinking a lot about this short phrase and I decided it can mean different things to different people on different days of the week. It doesn’t have just one meaning or one definition. So I woke up this morning and decided that today, to me, it meant to wear what I thought looked cute and to have confidence in it.

In the end, I ended up wearing  a maroon scoop-neck long-sleeve shirt tucked into a high-waisted black and white striped pleated skirt with black tights and white high-top converse. [I would have added a picture, but I forgot to take one] This was really out there for me, because I normally wear leggings or jeans with t-shirts. I wouldn’t consider myself to have any kind of style, but I secretly wish I was slightly hipster. And, if I do say so myself, my outfit today was quite hipster and I liked it a lot. I have these random outfits that I buy, but never have the guts to wear.

Well today I had the guts. I left my room and didn’t look back. When I walked into work I started to feel the glances and immediately began to question my decision. I thought I looked super cute, but I wondered if my view of “style” was really off and everyone was questioning my sanity. I couldn’t go change, so I was stuck and just had to pretend to be confident while my insides were slowly melting.

I went on like it was a normal day and sure enough one person said “you look cute” and that turned into a chain reaction. I then started receiving compliments and almost compliments like “wow, you dressed up today.” I am not a compliment kind of person. I rarely give them and hate receiving them. I often think compliments are super faked and forced, but I will admit that I appreciated them today. Although getting compliments always makes my cheeks burn, it was worth it today. They really do help boost your confidence and without any acknowledgement of my outfit today, I don’t think I would have made it to the end of my shift.

Figuring out how to accept compliments and be okay with them is a slow process, but I am becoming more accustomed. It is part of my road to loving myself more. Today was a success and I think I may try to wear some more of my not-so-typical-me outfits. I say “not-so-typical-me,” but who says they aren’t me…. they can be me, if I want them to be me.

My definition [today] for “be yourself” would be to be you and to be proud.

a girl