Bombarded

It’s never fails that right after I post that my life is all peaches and cream, something bad happens…

Background: This past weekend, after a very long Saturday, my best friend asked if I wanted to go out – low key, one drink max. I agreed, but even after I got home my day just kept getting worse, so I texted her back that I “kinda want to get drunk.” Note: It only takes about two drinks in an hour to get me drunk. I left Winnie out in the living room under the impression we were only going to be gone for about an hour, plus I was tired and wasn’t up to being out all night. Well she thought me kinda wanting to get drunk meant I was ready to go out on the town. We parked and as we were walking to the bar, she asks if it would be okay if we met up with some of her friends. As much as I didn’t really want to, it was a little too late to say no and to make matters worse I had left my phone in her car. I agreed to spend some time with her friends, but after about half an hour I realized that she was not planning to take me home any time soon. She got really drunk and so did her friends, so I had to get her to open her phone, so I get in touch with Jeremiah to come pick me up. When I opened her texts and pulled up his name, I saw some texts about them meeting up to discuss him proposing to me. I should have read them, but I am human and I apologized for seeing them, but I did not maliciously go looking for the information. Around midnight (three hours later), Jeremiah came to pick me up and I was really upset and exhausted.

The next day I texted her asking how she was and all seemed fine. We met up on Monday to have lunch and had a great time and then yesterday she texted asking if we were grabbing lunch. I told her I was taking Payton for a birthday lunch, but I could meet her after. Well, she joined us about an hour into the lunch which was fine and I actually thought it went great! We shared a few snips at each other, but I thought it was normal friend stuff. I texted her once we all went our separate ways asking if everything was okay and apologizing again for not communicating well about my expectations of Saturday night.

Present Day: She responded to my text with a novel about how upset she was with me. I expressed my thoughts and feelings regarding what she had said as best I could, but she just kept unloading on me. A lot of it was untrue or blown out of proportion. I was trying to stay calm, but for me this was deja vu. I didn’t want to impulsively text back something that would hurt her, so I was reading through it slowly and writing out my response to make sure I would be understood, but I never got the chance. She just kept sending text after text and by the end I was crying. Before I got a chance to apologize or say anything else, she said she wanted space and didn’t want to talk to me.

I was distraught about the whole thing. I had no idea she was so mad at me and she didn’t clarify what the root was, but I was glad she had finally told me so that I could work on it and do better. What hurt the most was that she never gave me a chance to respond. I don’t think any good can come from her unloading on me, but not giving me a chance to acknowledge any of it. When I got through my work shift and my night class, I got home and sat in my closet. I haven’t spent any time in my closet in months, but this was warranted. I had no idea what I had done wrong and she just kept going over and over what she had said and trying to figure out what was going on. Jeremiah came by later to talk with me and get me to calm down. I decided that I would go to her house to show her that I cared and really wanted to fight for our friendship. Well that was a huge mistake. She refused to talk to me and then was very rude regarding my choice of trying to resolve what was going on.

Then today during my first class she decided to unload on me some more. Text after text after text. I got a few words in to explain my actions, but she just twisted them into something negative. I wanted to start crying again, but then I realized I was more angry than anything. Yesterday I was hurt, but I understood that she needed to get all of these feelings out, but today she was just attacking me and bringing stuff up that had nothing to do with me. I am also angry that she is just unloading all of this on me, but not letting me say anything to apologize, acknowledge, or defend myself. I do not appreciate being portrayed as some dramatic monster bitch.  In the past few months I have literally had no drama. I can count all of my friends on one hand and everything was going great until lunch yesterday. She created this drama, but wants to blame me for it and I won’t take it anymore. I have vowed not to spiral into a depressive episode about this, so she can have her space, but I won’t be dragged down by any of this.

Conclusion: I have decided that she can have her space. Please take from this that you cannot just unload all of your feelings on a person and not let them say anything; that will not resolve anything. You have to let that person try to fix the things you brought up. So yesterday when I said everything was swell with me, because I had my boyfriend and best gal friend… ignore that. All is wonderful with me and Jeremiah, but apparently not with the best gal friend. The cool thing about all of this is how quickly I have bounced back. Maybe there is hope for me yet.

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In a Year’s Time…

This time last year I was getting out of an awful, unhealthy relationship. My first relationship. It was a hard, eye-opening experience that left me confused and depressed, but it also showed me who I really was and what I really wanted. Through this process, I grew closer to my best gal friend and my best friend turned into the love of my life.

You know how people tell you that difficult or confusing times will turn into stories later on that you can laugh about? Well, I never truly understood that statement until I went through this whole mess. The story of how my best gal friend, my boyfriend, and I became the dynamic three amigos we are now is a fun one, but it was full of confusing and downright messed up twists and turns. As painful as last January and early February was – being broken-up with, spiraling into a depressive episode, and feeling worthless – I wouldn’t trade all the confusion and hurt. For the most part, I pretend like last January never happened. I have struck the happenings of the whole month from my memory, but when I think really hard about it, I am grateful to have had my heart go through such agony, because it showed me the good that was right in front of my face. I knew Jeremiah before choosing to date Q. I tell myself that if I had just said no to Q, I could have been with Jeremiah sooner and would have saved myself all the heartache, but truth be told, I think I would have taken Jeremiah’s goodness for granted had I not experienced being used by Q.

As I was reading through some of my posts from last year, I am appalled at how I let Q get off so easy. He literally used me for company by pretending to be interested in me and then when the guilt finally caught up to him, he couldn’t just admit it, but instead decided to break-up with me and reel me back in three times. It was traumatizing to say the least and really messed with my self-esteem. But as I reflected back, I literally kept saying that I wasn’t angry with him and I didn’t hate him, which I am sure I thought was the correct way to go about it, but I think it would have been okay to claim that I was angry and I did despise him. I said at one point that I would just have to accept that I would always care about him – wrong!I no longer think about him and I definitely do not care about him. And not only is that okay, it is good! It proves that he no longer has a hold over me.

The quote in the image at the top of the page reminded me of this time in my life. This time of trying to regain my confidence after having my heart and mind dragged through the mud. Before Q, I was strong and confident, but afterward I felt betrayed and I felt ashamed that I fell for his tricks. It took time and a lot of patience for me to break out of this shell and to not be fearful of opening up and taking risks. To that I owe a huge thank you to Jeremiah. He was my rock through finding myself, if you will, again. He helped me in ways he will never ever understand, but it was the first time I had felt blind love from someone. Jeremiah didn’t swoop in and try and be my boyfriend, instead he took time to just be there as whatever I needed. He quickly became my best friend and now I love him with every fiber in my being.

In the end, I have come to appreciate slow and messy beginnings. Sometimes the things you think will ruin your life or change who you are, can bring out better things you never imagined!

Face It

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My final piece of advice to you is to face it. Face everything shitty you have done to someone else, face why you did it, face the fact that you did do it. Face everything shitty that has been done to you, face how it made you feel. Once you’ve done all of that then stare the shitty stuff in the face and embrace it. Grow from it. Be better, don’t keep the shit cycle going. Break it.

I read a creative story written by my roommate, Stars, and it really struck a chord with me. Although it was a creative story, it was based off her true experiences of hurt, heartache, and confusion… Lord knows I have been there too (this blog proves it!). Her last paragraph encourages you to face all the shit in your life, not just what you have endured, but also what you have caused.

Accepting that everyone, including you, causes hurt, heartache, and confusion is so important in helping yourself move on and make a change. Learning to respect each other and be considerate instead of allowing ourselves to be treated like dirt is how we can break the cycle.

I have been inspired to face all the shit in my life, caused and endured. So stay tuned to learn how I felt about certain treatment I have received as well as what caused my bad treatment of others. Let’s face the crap and break the cycle!

Double Dipping

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“I want to marry my best friend!”

Let’s back up. If you haven’t been reading my blog for long or don’t know me in person, then you may not know one crucial thing about me – I do not date for sport. That may sound a bit harsh and, no, I am not shaming my fellow females, but I was taught that dating is the prerequisite for marriage, so you should only date someone you could see yourself marrying. I know there are many arguments to this thought process and I would be glad to discuss it (and in another post, give my thoughts), but this is how I have chosen to live.

I could not even begin to count how many times I have said that I want to marry my best friend or heard someone else say their spouse is their best friend. For a long time, I never fully grasped what this meant, because I was terribly, terribly awkward around guys. I blame most of my behavior on what I was taught while growing up in church and taking these teachings to heart, but the point is that I didn’t really understand how to be friends with a boy. It wasn’t until my sophomore year of college that I actually had a close male friend or a male friend that I didn’t have a crush on.

When I met Penguin back in October, I was intrigued by him because he wasn’t afraid to challenge my way of thinking. We were at a Bible Study and put into the same discussion group. I was fairly new to the study and it was his first time. We were given a verse to talk about and me, being in the throes of my depression, spat out this sad definition of what I thought this verse meant. At first, the members of the group let my words hang in the air not daring to mess with me, but then Penguin interrupted the silence and gave the most encouraging definition of what he thought the verse meant. I looked up and met his eyes – they seemed to be saying “I know where you are and you don’t have to be stuck there.”

Contrary to most stories, I wasn’t head over heels over him or chomping at the bit to spend time with him, I was just fascinated with the person that was willing to defy my way of thinking. Over time we were thrown together in different situations and I began to realize that I liked spending time with him and hearing what he had to say, although most of the time it took him awhile to spit his words out. It wasn’t until after New Years that we had even spent time together alone although we had really gotten to know each other through text and phone calls. I can’t even pinpoint when Penguin became my best friend, it happened so naturally, but gradually he became the person I told everything to, confided in, and counted on.


Penguin and I started dating at the beginning of March. We were spending practically every day together either eating, studying, talking, laughing… you name it. I believe I was in love with him before we started dating (gasp!) due to how he treated me, how I felt when I was around him, and his character as a person. Ever since then we do just about everything together and it is weird to go a day without seeing or talking to him. Some may say this is unhealthy, but I disagree. It is not as if I cannot go about my day without him or his influence nor do I not have any other friends that I spend time with, it is just that he is my person – boyfriend, best friend, both, or neither.

It has just come to my attention that some may find this odd or be irritated by it. I have a couple friends who treat me differently once they found out how close Penguin and I are. They seem less interested in spending time with me or talking to me or reaching out to me. This hurts a bit, especially because they have not actually addressed it, but the unspoken feeling is still there.

My question is this: Do you feel it is wrong for a boyfriend to double as a best friend? Why does it make people uncomfortable?

3 Words & 8 Letters

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Three words. Eight letters. I Love You.

I find the phrase “I Love You” so fascinating! Have you ever actually thought about what this phrase means? Or better yet, what it means to you? Have you ever wondered about the expectations it carries around? Do you toy with the idea of saying it to someone? Do you think about saying it at all?

Before this year, I said “I Love You” to family members and various close friends, but now that I started thinking about it, I realized there were stipulations on those who heard these words from me. I said “I Love You” to my parents as a no-brainer, but I don’t regularly tell my brother that I love him even though I do. Why? I don’t know, but it could be that we do not have a mushy-gushy type of relationship. When it comes to my friends, select few get a “Love You” as I give them a hug goodbye when I know I won’t see them for awhile. I realized that since I cycle through friends so frequently, I don’t say “I Love You” very regularly to those friends I consider close; they have to earn it. Yet I tell my puppy I love her multiple times a day.

It seems as if some love is earned while some is automatic.

But saying “I Love You” comes with a tremendous amount of expectations when used in the romantic world. It is this idea that saying it is a big deal and it has to be the right moment with the right person. Some people think through all this while others just do or don’t, but never consciously think about it. Last year, I talked with Mitten (a boy-interest) every day all the time for about four months. I felt so connected to him, because he listened and talked to me. Yet I never said that I loved him. I dated Carrot for about three weeks or so back in January. I thought we really connected for about a week or two. Yet I never said that I loved him. I never thought about whether I loved them. I never thought about saying that I loved them to draw us closer or fix our relationship. I never thought about whether I should or was supposed to love them. It never crossed my mind. Was it because I knew they weren’t the ones for me? Was it because I didn’t really feel for them? Well I can tell you that I didn’t love either one of those boys and I think it was a good decision that I never made the mistake of using the phrase “I Love You” for any purpose or reason other than to express a feeling.

The first time I ever said “I Love You” to someone who was more than a friend or family was to Penguin. He is my best friend, has been since about December, and we started dating around March. He makes me smile and laugh and drives me absolutely crazy, but I have loved him since the beginning. I loved him because he did more than just try and get my attention; he really listened and understood me! He never made me feel inadequate or insecure. He challenged me and encouraged me. I could go on and on about why I love Penguin, but the thing is that I did not tell him I loved him right off the bat. Did I hold it in because I didn’t want to scare him off? Did I hold it in because I wanted to make sure he felt the same way? Truth is- I never thought about it, shockingly, I never over-analyzed it. One day, I just told him. Ya, I said “it” first and I wasn’t ashamed and it wasn’t weird.

The thing about Penguin and I is that although we have said that we love each other and we both know that love is in the air, we do not say we love each other every time we see each other. We don’t say it every time we say goodbye to each other. We don’t say it every time we call each other. I think what makes that phrase special to us, is that we don’t overuse it. “I Love You” is not a greeting or goodbye for us, it is a sincere feeling that we only say when we are truly feeling it. Yes, we say it when we are being serious and silly, but we never say it just because we know we should or are supposed to.

I think that is important. I don’t think there is anything wrong with people who think about when to say it and who to say it to, but I think you won’t have to when the time and the person is right!