Validity

validation 3Today I had lunch with a friend whom I haven’t seen in a couple of months. I will admit that I was nervous about meeting with her. She is a friend that I met at the BSM (Baptist Student Ministry) here on campus. We were pretty close for awhile, but I have shared that I am not as into my faith as I used to be. I have chosen to take a step back and reevaluate what I believe and think is important and why. My friend is very self-assured and confident in her faith, who she is, and who she wants to be. She doesn’t sugar coat her want for everyone to believe what she does, so I wasn’t sure what I was walking into with this lunch.

I didn’t feel that I was avoiding her personally, but more avoiding what she stood for and the people that she surrounded herself with. [There were other friends I cut off as well in this search…] So I met up with her figuring it was just a ploy to get me to come back to the BSM, since I kind of quit cold turkey and never explained myself (which I still don’t feel like I have to). At first it was not exactly awkward, but really surface-level. We talked about school, the weather, how we were each doing. Blah blah blah…

But like I was expecting, she asked what I had been up to and why she hadn’t seen me around. I beat around the bush when she initially asked, not wanting to get the lecture that I expected her to give me. Well she kept prodding me and finally I gave in and started explaining the breakdown I had a few months ago and how my ideas and views had changed a bit. I was so anxious about telling her this that I literally destroyed the hair tie that I had around my wrist.

To my horror, she just kept nodding and told me that she completely understood where I was coming from and she was proud of me. What? I was really confused, because that is not the response I was expecting. But she was really cool about it and told me that she had thought this may be what I was dealing with and she was proud of me for trying to figure out my faith for myself. Although I wasn’t looking for her validation, because at the moment I am at a point where I don’t care what anybody thinks, but it was nice to just get a nod/smile instead of a lecture.

I left refreshed and agreed to hang out with her again. I finally felt like she was my friend rather than a parent, which was how I sometimes felt about her before. It was a nice exchange and I feel better after having talked to her about it. Sometimes acceptance, even when you aren’t looking for it, can really help.

❤ a girl

Advertisements

You Watch Them. They Watch You.

inspiration 2Looking. Glancing. Noticing. Watching. Creeping. Staring. Admit it, you do these actions every day whether you mean to or not. Call it what you want. I call it people-watching.

People-watching is one of my favorite pastimes. I do it on a daily basis. When I’m walking across campus, sitting in class, riding the bus, or at work, I watch people. I do this because people are interesting, weird, and different. You can learn so much from the people around you.

We are taught from a young age that staring is bad, but I think that staring is considered a negative thing, because someone got offended a long long time ago in a galaxy far far away and made a scene giving the word a bad connotation. I think watching and inquiring others is a way for us to learn about ourselves. If we didn’t notice and look at others how would we appreciate style, personality, or character?

By watching other people we start to see how we want to act, how we want to dress, how we want to sound, and how we want to be perceived. I think this is so important in figuring out the kind of people we want to be and be associated with. So this is how we pick our friends as well.

Loving myself is something that I have always had a love/hate relationship with. There are days that I have more confidence than a circus tight-rope walker and other days when I am so insecure I can’t even look a stranger in the eyes. But I have slowly learned that people will look my direction whether I am trying to be noticed or trying to blend in and they will continue to look no matter if they like what they see or they don’t. It’s human nature.

I have decided that people can look, glance, notice, watch, creep, and stare at me. It might be unnerving at first, but if it will help them define themselves and the person they want to be then why should I stop them. If I am just being me, why is it so wrong that they look at me? If I am confident in myself then I shouldn’t care. Correction: I don’t care. It’s a challenge that I am willing to accept. Bring on the eyes and bring on the confidence!

❤ a girl

“Put your head right here.”

scandal 2I’ve been really into Scandal lately and I just started season 3 a couple days ago. I was just watching season 3 episode 4 ‘Say Hello to My Little Friend’ and there was a scene at the end involving Olivia and Jake.

Let me just be clear and say that I love Jacob Ballard. He is my favorite male character on this show and I adore him. It may be because I originally fell for him when he was Henry on Grey’s Anatomy, but for whatever reason I will root for him not matter who he is pursuing.

Jake and Olivia’s relationship is actually not what this post is about. This post is about this really small gesture that he makes in this scene that really spoke to me. Olivia has recently learned about who her father is and what he is capable of. In this scene, Olivia puts her head in her hands and Jake reaches over and places his hand on her knee and tells her not to cry. She tells him she isn’t crying, but trying not to scream. He leans back on the couch and points to chest right where his heart should be and tells her to lay her head there. She looks at him funny and when she sees he isn’t kidding, she puts her head there. He then tells her he isn’t going anywhere.

That might seem silly or unimportant, but it speaks volumes to me. I am one of the most awkward people and I don’t know much about relationships, because I have never been in one. I have my theories as to why that is, but I am also surrounded by my own issues. Some people can accept these issues and love me anyway whereas others cannot.

I’ll be honest and say that I really want a man in my life that can accept these issues. Accept that I am not perfect, but awkward, weird, and a bit fragile although I don’t like to admit it. I want a man who can sit with me when I am going through something and just invite me to lean on him and he will help hold me afloat. That taking it slow is okay and that he will be there for when I am ready.

I know Jake is just a TV character and this scene was written by a woman, but I really think my thoughtful yet strong man is out there and I am trying to wait patiently for him.

❤ a girl

Talk Nerdy to Me

being yourself 8Awhile back, Elephant told me that her boyfriend and some of his friends were having a Star Wars marathon and said I was welcome to join them. I jumped on the invitation, because it is not everyday that someone invites you to do something like this. Turns out Elephant wasn’t really into Star Wars, so I sat on the couch engrossed in the saga with the eight of the nerdiest guys I have ever met.

It was really fun and took us fourteen hours to complete, but now that I look back on it, I felt so included. I complain that I have perfected being a good “girl” friend, but it’s times like these when I appreciate the fact that guys can be themselves around me. Occasionally they would apologize for saying something that they probably shouldn’t in front of a female, but for the most part they just spoke to me and joked with me like I was just another person.

Well today I was invited to another movie marathon. It was supposed to be Indiana Jones, but one of the guys forgot the movies, so we ended up watching Back to the Future instead. I love the first one in the trilogy, so I was down to watch them. I actually took a few cat naps during the next two movies, but overall it was super fun and I was the only girl there, because Payton was out of town. It really meant a lot that they still included me even though she couldn’t come.

They are such an interesting group of guys. They actually watch these movies with the subtitles on, because they literally quote and commentate throughout the entire thing. Most of them are RTVF (Radio Television Film) majors, so they know what they are talking about, but even being an outsider I enjoy listening to them argue about actors, scenes, and other stuff. They know where all the mess ups are located and have so many jokes.

I never would have thought that I would fall in with such a nerdy group of guys, but I really enjoy hanging out with them and not being judged for being into superhero movies or other nerdy things. I appreciate that they understand that although I am a girl and like girly things, I can also be into other things as well.

Today was a much needed day to remind myself of who I am. With all the frustrations with my roommate and my own mind, it was nice to remember that being me is absolutely ok!

❤ a girl

Silent Too Long

trusting god 1“Question everything. Your love, your religion, your passion. If you don’t have questions, you’ll never find answers.”

Growing up in church, they teach you to trust God. They teach you that God has a plan for your life. They teach you that God does things on his own time. They teach you that God doesn’t always answer prayers how you want him to. They teach you that God sometimes says no or not yet. They teach you that God is not a genie. They teach you that being a Christian is hard.

I never seriously questioned my faith until this semester. It was sort of an all of a sudden explosion kind of thing. My doubt had been building for awhile, but I just kept bottling it up telling myself that I was a Christian and I believed in God and I couldn’t have those kind of thoughts. I told myself that those thoughts would go away if I surrounded myself with Christian people and found a church to attend. That didn’t work. It just got worse.

Thursday, February 12th, I had a breakdown. I have these every once in awhile, but this one was pretty bad. I had been at work for eight hours, because the girl who was supposed to relieve me never showed up. I was already exhausted, then add frustration on top of that, plus a mound of homework growing by what felt like the hour. After work, I called my mom, because I needed some encouragement. When she answered and told her about how exhausted I was with my job and my school work plus that I wasn’t enjoying my classes and didn’t think I wanted to stick with my major, she just told me that I would be ok, because I always was and then informed she was out to eat with my dad and brother, so she would call me back.

By this point I was already in tears, so I sat down and tried to catch my breath. Once I had composed myself, I went into the building and got out all of my homework and spread it out all over the table. I was determined to finish and it was a good way to take my mind off things. After a good half hour, my small group from the BSM (where I had purposely been avoiding) saw me sitting at the table and decided to join me, so I could be included in the discussion. Ugh! I was not in the mood to be around these happy-go-lucky people; I was in a bad mood and wanted to wallow in it. They kept asking me if I was ok and saying that I wasn’t my usual self. Well duh I am not my normal self. Let it go! Eventually they leave and I manage to get most of my homework done while taking breaks to go to the bathroom and compose myself.

My mom ends up texting me instead of calling me back. She asks how I am doing and I tell her I’m fine and not to worry about me. She says she loves me and feeds me some crap about how I need to focus on God and pray about how I am feeling and that he has a plan. Nothing I haven’t heard before. I just respond with one word or one sentence until she leaves me alone. I gather all of my stuff and get back to my room as quick as possible, because these cop-out answers from her have really irritated me.

Once I get in my room, I decide I need to retreat, be alone, and be sad. I grab my pound bag of sour gummy worms, a Dr Pepper, and a box of tissues and shove them in my bag. When I am upset and just want to stay upset, I find comfort in my car, so I get in and drive to a vacant parking lot. I have on my depressing playlist and sit in my car and think. And cry. I think and cry for a long time. I talk to myself a little and then I eventually end up yelling at God, but at this point I am done.

I understand that they say He is silent, so that you will lean on Him, but He has been silent in my life for too long. I don’t ask for stupid things, but sometimes I need answers and it does more harm than good not to answer me. But who I am kidding, He has never answered me. Back in high school I could claim whatever I wanted, but when it came down to it, I never felt Him. After I have this meltdown, still nothing. Apparently I am not that important to Him, because nothing happened. Once I came to this realization. I felt different. I was ready to change my outlook. If God didn’t want to help me or answer me, then fine.

 My frustration began to stem from me being me– the next to near perfect girl.  I understand that yes I have messed up and no I am not really perfect, but honestly I just don’t see the point of striving for perfection when you don’t get anything in return. The most irritating thing for me was that some of my friends and people I know have all this going for them: a relationship, a job, an education while they do pretty much whatever they want. I just got so fed up with doing the right thing and never being happy or having things work out for me.

I have decided to take a step back from my faith for a little while and just figure out who I want to be and what I want to believe. I’m tired of having all of these expectations placed on me attached to all these assumptions. I am just a girl who wants to live and mess up and do some more living.

❤ a girl