Let Voices Ring

Hello Friends!

We are in the year two thousand and seventeen. Have you ever just stopped and thought about that? Our world has existed for more than two thousand years… that’s a long time. It is crazy for me to think about how most of what makes the life we live possible is actually quite a recent discovery; cars, television, computers, cell phones. Technology is advancing so quickly and sometimes I just have to wonder if this fast growth is actually benefiting us?

Anywho, I know I am twenty days late, but happy new year. I haven’t been around, because I have been sorting out my life and my thoughts. I used to write in order to help me think, but due to some emotional stuff that happened with my writing, I gradually put it to the wayside, but I am desperate to start again. I have all these thoughts and words and ideas floating around in my head and am struggling to get them out.

In the past year (and even in the past – almost – Β two years since I started this blog), so much has happened to me and at the same time it feels as if nothing has happened to me. I cannot wait to explore these feelings as I tell you about what has been going on with me.

There are going to be some repeat posts; my own work, but I wrote it for another blog I tried to get off the ground. For the past 8 months or so I have been trying to escape this site. By not writing, by not expressing myself the way I want, by trying to please others, I let these “others” tarnish the purity in how I view the writing I have done here. In my eyes, my thoughts and feelings on here are real and raw. Because others were unhappy with me about my writing, I thought if I just made this blog disappear I would be forgiven and everything would go back to normal the way it was. No such luck, but honestly I wouldn’t want it any other way. No matter how hard I wanted to destroy the words I have written here, I just couldn’t do it.

I am too proud to let others silence me.

So here I am, the year two thousand and seventeen and I have decided that my voice will be heard.

No Longer

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Before July my life was simple.

Before July I was that girl who wished for someone to accept her as is and give her the time of day to express herself and show that she was special.

Before July I was that girl who was sad and depressed, because she felt lonely and like no one cared to get to know her.

Before July I was that girl who never did anything not expected of her.

Before July I was that girl who played it safe by never taking any risks or chances.

July.

Because of July I felt accepted, appreciated, and cherished.

Because of July I stepped out of my comfort zone, tried new things, and was open to different perspectives.

Because of July I was sappy, smiley, and chatty.

Because of July I was able to unleash a part of myself I never felt comfortable with.

Because of July I let myself be vulnerable, be hurt.


Before January I was that girl who had never been in a relationship.

Before January I was that girl who was always single and was never pursued.

Before January I was that girl who was afraid of being touched, of letting people get close, of intimacy.

Before January I was that girl who had never kissed, cuddled, or slept over.

Before January I was cautious yet hopeful.

January.

Because of January I felt special, wanted, and attractive.

Because of January I have now kissed, cuddled, and slept over.

Because of January I can no longer identify with the girl who has never been in a relationship.

Because of January my view of love and relationships is skewed and altered.

Because of January I am confused, hurt, and cynical.


Before February I was that girl who was just best friends with a guy.

Before February I was that girl who was lost, confused, and hurt; obsessing over what happened and what went wrong.

Before February I was that girl who would have frowned upon what I am feeling now.

Before February I was that girl who knew what she wanted and would have stood up for it.

February.

Because of February my feelings are all out of whack.

Because of February I am questioning everything.

Because of February I am not sure where I stand in this thing we call friendship.

Because of February I feel I have to contemplate labels and what they mean to me.

Because of February I keep asking what I want, what I feel, and what I think.


Truth is: I just don’t know.

You Should Always Feel Like A Somebody

Everybody is a Somebody

Have you ever been with another person or a group of people and felt invisible or inferior? This happens to me a lot, but at the same time I know I am guilty of making others feel this way. It is a bully complex- making those around you feel like nothing in order to make yourself feel like something.

It makes me sad to think that I behave this way, because I am insecure with who I am. Lately, I have been learning about real, genuine friendship. I have been having to accept that people cannot be everything you need or want, but they also cannot fill the places where you feel empty. If I don’t want people expecting me to be perfect and put together then I can’t expect that from them.

One thing I have realized is that I have the power to be an amazing friend. Through experiencing so much true friendship in the past few weeks, I feel so loved and accepted for the reasons that make me, me! I have decided that I want to make everyone feel like that, because everyone deserves to feel like that!

I feel that I possess so many qualities that I can funnel into being a person who makes everyone feel important, because they should know that they matter. Whether that is just giving someone the time of day, smiling at a stranger, or giving a friend some tough love. I don’t want to sugar-coat my relationships anymore; life is just too dang short.

So it doesn’t matter if you have hurt me in the past or we have gone our separate ways or we are growing apart… whatever the situation, I don’t care. I am over holding all of these negative feelings against each other. I’m not perfect. They aren’t perfect. I want to spend time getting to know people and really, genuinely caring about them. I want them to know I am there for them no matter what (and mean it!).

Here’s to cultivating good, deep, genuine friendships!

❀ Lauren

Visiting Home Is Like Staring At A Pitchfork

no explanations

It had been about a month since I had been home, so going back this past weekend was a mix of feelings. Home is one of my favorite places to be, but I wasn’t enjoying all of the memories this time around. Yesterday, I was having a fantastic day spending time with my mom and then my phone lights up with a response to a group message and my whole day goes downhill from there.

Two words. That’s all it took to spin my mind into all different kinds of directions. Two stupid words from one specific person. I wish people’s actions and non-actions didn’t affect me so much, but honestly I can’t help it. Well late that night I was coming home from a birthday party that didn’t help my mindset at all and I ended up in my high school parking lot.

I just sat there in my car staring at this building that holds so many memories. It was like staring at a pitchfork. The left prong signifies what I used to dream my life would look like. The right prong signifies how I currently dream my life will look like. The middle prong signifies how my life is actually going. Sadly as I looked at this picture, my life doesn’t seem to be looking at all what I hoped or what I hope it would. Then I lost it.

There are days I just feel so lost. My college experience sucks. My friends are all excelling and changing. My family is constantly growing together and then falling apart. My mind is a warzone. Most days I don’t know who I am or where I am going. I just feel stuck and alone and pathetic. I desperately want some kind of direction and an identity.

As I sat there in that parking lot, I thought a lot about the girl who used to walk those halls. I thought about her smile, her laughter, her attitude, her friends, her dreams. I thought about how one of my friends told me that she missed the old me, the one who was her best friend. Then I lost it all over again. That girl wasn’t always all smiles and sass… she had many nights of tears and many walks alone in the park; she was just better at hiding it.

I don’t think I can be that girl again. So much has happened since I was 14, a wide-eyed freshman, and 18, a hopeful senior. I can’t just go back and forget all that has happened to me, all that I have felt, all that I have been told, all that has surfaced… it has scarred me and shaped me. I don’t think I can be that girl again, but what does that mean for me?

❀ a girl

Puzzle Piece

The most basic human desire is to feel like you belong. -Simon Sinek

A big puzzle. That is how I picture my family. Every person is a different piece and then somehow we all fit together. Except sometimes I feel like my piece doesn’t fit.

There is no denying that I belong to this family, because I am practically a spitting image of my father with my mom’s hair and coloring. Boom, proof they are mine. That physical proof doesn’t lie, but there are so many other things about me that make me feel like the odd man out.

I like love reading. I write to express myself. I am chill. I am fairly quiet unless I feel comfortable. None of them enjoy any of that. I don’t mind being different, but sometimes it is hard not being able to relate to them. This makes being around them (especially all at once) very difficult for me.

There are times when I feel like my piece was accidentally thrown into their box and they don’t know what to do with me. Like I am an outsider trying so hard to fit into the one place I am supposed to belong. They don’t necessarily treat me like I am different or love me any less, but that doesn’t mean I don’t see it anyway.

❀ a girl