Lazy Leaves and Nonexistent Music

lonely girl

Outside the window, the leaves were falling lazily. Rich reds, bright oranges, and dull browns littered the ground. The crunch of leaves under feet could be faintly heard as people hurried by. The crisp autumn air seeped in through the cracks of the door and windows. The sun was sinking low, casting glaring rays across the room. It was an early November evening.

Besides the crunch of leaves and the occasional whoosh of wind causing the trees to tremble, the room was silent. Audrey was curled up in the corner of her bed, weighed down by three blankets and surrounded by pillows. She clutched her knees close and had tears streaming down her face. Her quiet sobs were barely audible.

Softly closing his apartment door, Jamie walked the three paces to the next door over. As he stood in front of it, he clenched his fists then stretched them out and then clenched them again. His palms were sweaty. He rubbed them against his jeans, sucked in a breath, and then knocked on the door.

Audrey’s eyes went wide. Who was at her door? What could they possibly want? Sitting really still, she hoped they would go away. Then she heard another couple light raps. She reluctantly slid out from under the blankets and padded over to the door. She hadn’t bothered to wipe away the tear stains from her cheeks.

The door opened just slightly and there she was. He let out a slow breath. She was so much prettier up close. He immediately cast his eyes down. What was he doing? Then he hesitantly looked up, taking her all in. Her bright sock clad toes wiggled. She was dressed in gray sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt. Her red hair was a curly mess. Jamie stood there dumbfounded. When he found his voice, he said, “I came by to ask you to turn your music down-”

When Audrey opened the door, she was shocked to find a cute guy standing before her. He was tall with unruly dark brown hair dressed in jeans and a plain short sleeve shirt. His hands were shoved in his pockets and she shivered as she felt his gaze on her. Keeping one hand grasping the door handle, she opened it a little more. At first they just stared at each other. His eyes were a warm brown that wavered slightly. Then he mentioned something about music.

Jamie watched the confusion cross her face when he mentioned her music, but he never finished with his lame excuse to talk to her, because he became concerned with the tears that stained her cheeks. “Are you okay?” he whispered looking intently into her blue eyes. “What?” Audrey asked putting up her defensive brick wall. “I just… were you crying?” Jamie pried, not looking away from her eyes. “Look, I’m fine,” Audrey said with irritation as she tore her eyes away and stared down at her feet, “I was just enjoying a night of breaking down when you accuse me of loud music which I am obviously not playing.”

Stupid! Why was that his excuse? Why did he have to mention her tears? Jamie silently warred with himself and then he had an idea. “Put some shoes on,” he said. “Excuse me!” Audrey declared. “And grab a jacket,” he continued. “I’m sorry, but no,” she said denying his demands. “Look, I’m not just going to leave you here to cry alone all night, so just grab some shoes and a jacket, so we can go.”

Who was this guy? Why was he being nice to her? Reluctantly, Audrey slipped on a pair of shoes and grabbed a jacket. She didn’t have much to lose at this point. She stood staring at him from her doorway. He smirked and then motioned for her to follow. His smile was adorable and it made her want to melt. Audrey stopped herself from huffing, locked her door, and scurried behind him.

To Be Continued…

❤ a girl

So I’ve decided to try creative writing… what do y’all think?

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It’s All Good Until You See Her.

feeling hate

Earlier this year I was stuck in a frustrating situation involving me, a good guy friend, and his girlfriend. If you don’t remember, click here to refresh your memory.

Basically, my good guy friend and I were supposed to grab coffee after my class one night as a belated birthday get together for me and just a regular catch up session, because we hadn’t seen each other in a few months. It was no big deal. Well girlfriend threw a fit and wanted to come, but I was firm that we didn’t need a babysitter. We had it out in a series of text messages and phone calls, but in the end I was impure for hanging out with him, because I was single and he was not. He assured me that this wouldn’t be the end of our friendship, but that they just needed some time.

Needless to say, our friendship has never been the same and since all this went down, I am still not over it.

In the beginning it was extremely raw and I knew that if I even saw her out on the sidewalk I would snap and lose it. But I very rarely ever saw her, so this wasn’t really an issue. I took certain precautions and separated myself from their “group” because I didn’t want to see her and I didn’t really like them anyway. He and I exchanged a few texts and Facebook messages here and there, but we never know what is “acceptable” and I don’t want to get him in trouble (although I do wish he would get his own life and stand up for himself).

I thought that the summer was enough time to heal and be ok about the whole situation, possibly gain a little bit more understanding. I really had thought my hurt feelings had dissipated, but during the first week of school I was manning the checkout line at the bookstore and turned around and saw her smiling face and literally all of these feelings and memories came flooding into my head. She tried to talk to me, but all I wanted to do was slap that stupid smile off her face, so I told her she could go to line 2 instead.

The rest of that day was rough. I was thoroughly shaken from seeing her and all of the repressed feelings of being inadvertently called a slut and losing one of my really good friends occupied my mind and I wanted to lose it all over again. A couple months went by without seeing her and I was doing better or just having meltdowns about other things, but then it happened again…

For the first time ever I was early to my Archaeology class. I went in to claim my seat, but there were still students from the previous lecture milling around. I was waiting at the end of the aisle for the student in my seat to leave and then she made eye contact with me. I dared to look up and of course her stupid smile was plastered across her face as she asked how I was doing. I awkwardly looked down and softly said that I was doing well. My seat was finally empty, so I just went to sit down. Thank God she took that as her cue to leave me be.

As much as I didn’t like her from the start then I disliked her even more after the situation with Bing and I, but then for her to ask me how I was doing… Seriously? How does she think I am doing? Even is she doesn’t keep tabs on me on Facebook (as in reading my posts to my blog on beating my depression), how would she expect someone who was called impure and then lost a good friend to feel? Obviously, she is the last person I want to see or be honest with.

It is so weird how just seeing a certain person can bring back so many memories or feelings or thoughts. She is just associated with such a negative situation and I don’t think I ever have or will forgive her. Now when I see her, it initially freaks me out, but then instead of having hurtful thoughts toward myself, I just kind of feel loathing toward her and how she made me feel in the first place.

I’m still hoping Bing and I can repair things, because I don’t want to give up on my friendships so easily, but she doesn’t make it easy.

❤ a girl

Dear Jesse

Before you say anything just hear me out.

I know you have advised me to drop the subject, and I will, but I have to get this out.

What you did yesterday night really hurt me. I don’t know what you told Kayla; whether it was that ‘I wanted to talk to her’ or that ‘you told me that she told you that I showed her the text’ isn’t really the point… the point was that you said something to her in the first place and then decided to give her your phone to send me a message telling me ‘I don’t even care enough about you’.

I know everyone thinks I am some cold-hearted bitch, but I’m not. My heart is just as warm as the next person’s, so what people do and say does affect me. To learn that practically all of the people you thought liked you are secretly talking about you behind your back can really make a person feel alone. It made me feel alone.

I have had your back since I first started working at this restaurant when you were just an expo and everyone would tease and make fun of you. I would tell you that they are only doing this to you, because they know it bothers you and they can get a rise out of you. I had your back then and I have your back now and I would have hoped that as my friend you would stick up for me.

It would have been nice for one of my friends to tell them that they know I didn’t do it and that maybe we should actually talk to her about it.

Nobody is perfect and although I think I am pretty darn close, I’m far from it. Most people are normally dealing with stuff that they keep to themselves. I deal with feeling alone. That is something you couldn’t necessarily figure out by just knowing me on a surface level. It is for this reason that it is hard for me to ‘just drop it’ as you and others have told me.

I need to know if the conversations we have as friends are confidential. I need to know that if what I tell you will stay between us or be used as ammo the next time you want a good show or need a good piece of gossip. I accept that you love drama, but I would appreciate being left out of your games. I need to know if what I tell you will stay with you, because if it won’t then I need to start filtering what I say. We are friends and I vent to you for this reason, but I won’t if it has the possibility of being shared.

I would hope that as your friend I would receive more respect from you and I would get to see the better side of you.

❤ a girl

It’s [not] Farewell. It’s [not] Forever.

goodbye

The friendship between a man and a woman which does not lead to marriage may be a life long experience of the greatest value to themselves and to all their circle of acquaintance and of activity; but for this type of friendship both a rare man and a rare woman are needed. – Anna Garlin Spencer

Yesterday was all sorts of messed up. It’s a long story, but it’s necessary for me to get it out of my system.

[Disclaimer: I have lots of guy friends, because they don’t have drama, don’t over analyze things, and aren’t petty.]

Last semester I met this guy, Bing. He’s one of those super nice, super sweet, and super thoughtful guys. He never tried to be cool and over time we had become great friends. I don’t know what it was about him, but he was just so easy to talk to and be yourself around him. He was just so accepting of all personalities and I never felt judged by him whatsoever.

From day one, I knew he and this girl, Camel,  had a thing for each other. It was no big deal, because I didn’t like him like that. I think around October they became an official thing and I was so happy for them. I knew Camel, but we weren’t really friends. Ever since I met her, I have felt that she is Little Miss Perfect and that is hard for me to be around. I’m someone who shows their emotions and doesn’t mind having a bad day. Although I know she probably has her own set of issues, I just don’t like spending time with people who feel like they have to be put together all the time. It seems slightly fake to me and makes me feel super inadequate and insecure. So, I just have never gone out of my way to hang out with her.

When the new semester started we were both really busy, so we hadn’t seen much of each other. When spring break rolled around, he mentioned that we needed to grab coffee and catch up. This sounded like a great idea, but again our schedules never seemed to allow it. We finally agreed that yesterday night after my class ended would be a good time. I was excited, because I hadn’t seen him in months.

While I was at work, I received a text from him asking if Camel could come. Obviously, I didn’t want her there, but I wasn’t going to make a big deal about it. But then, he told me that she wanted to come, not because she didn’t trust us, but because it would look bad to onlookers. WTF! This irritated me, but I missed Bing and wanted to see him, so I reluctantly agreed. An hour or so went by and the thought of her coming, because of what it looked liked to others, just continued to eat at me and I decided I couldn’t sit back and not say anything. After all I am an honest person and he knows that.

So on my break, I texted him letting him know that this has hurt my feelings immensely. I noted that I didn’t appreciate being treated like I need a babysitter just because I happened to be a single female. I wasn’t putting up with it and as for how others felt about it… well, I don’t really care what they think and if they have a problem, they can take it up with me.

He let me know that he thought I would react this way and he felt it was a good idea for us to reschedule, so he could have time to talk to Camel. I accepted this answer. Hours later, during my night class, I receive a text from her saying how there was a misunderstanding and she wanted to come with us in order to catch up with me as well, because she missed me. Let me take a second to claim bologna! This girl has my phone number, so she could have found time to reach out and “catch up” with me whenever.

When class let out, I called Bing and let him know that Camel texted me saying something completely different than what he sent me earlier. I told him I wanted to see him and I didn’t mind if she tagged along if she really wanted to hear how I have been, but if it was the other than I would rather just wait. He said he yet again understood and would talk it over with her.

[I am an emotional person.] By this point, I was a little distraught. I was irritated and frustrated, because I had done nothing wrong. I went to my car, because that is where I find refuge when I am upset. I sat in there for a good hour having a breakdown when I finally received another text from him claiming that there was a misunderstanding earlier and that he thinks it would be best for Camel and I to talk before we get together. Yet again, I was livid. I felt this was ridiculous. We are adults and I can be friends and spend time with whoever I want to.

I didn’t want to text her. I didn’t want to give her that kind of satisfaction, because she does not dictate my decisions, but because Bing is my friend, I decided to buck it up and just let her hear my side. I texted her letting her know that I wasn’t sure where exactly I misunderstood. I told her that I did not appreciate her insinuating that I have some kind of hidden agenda where I need a babysitter. I don’t believe I should be punished just because I am a female who isn’t in a relationship. There was more. It was a novel. I waited forever for her response.

When I got it, it was exactly what I expected. She took the Christian purity route. It wasn’t “pure” for Bing and I to hang out. It wouldn’t set a good example. Seriously? Spending time with a friend is a sin now. I am no stranger to the pure relationship thing. I grew up in church, I was taught this as well, but I was not in the mood to deal with the whole “boys and girls can’t be friends” nonsense.

Once I had gained my composure I called Bing and let him know what Camel said to me. I told him I wasn’t okay with it. I understood where she was coming from, but I still didn’t feel like it was ok to punish me, because of my situation (single and female). He assured me it wasn’t me, but that they had been working through some things and our “plans” was what made it blow up. He asked me to be patient and let them work it out. He told me that I would still be his friend and that we could still talk, but just not one-on-one in person. After getting through all the hurt, and yes this did involve some tears on my part, we talked like old times… our jobs, school, friends, family.

So he and I ended up talking on the phone for a good two and a half hours, maybe longer. I put all my feelings about how this made me feel out there, but let him know that I would accept it and respect it, because he was my friend. I finally understand what it means to be a friend in a sense that you care about someone so much that you suck it up and deal with the cards you’re dealt, so they can be happy.

The compromise so far: we can talk on the phone and text, but we can’t hang out in person just the two of us.

I am going to accept this compromise even though I don’t think it makes sense. Ultimately, in my eyes, talking on the phone is a more intimate thing than meeting up with a friend for coffee in a public place, but I am not going to complain, because at least this way I don’t lose my friend completely.

When it finally got so late that our phone call had to come to an end so we could function the next morning, I was hesitant to hang up, because I didn’t want it to be goodbye. He assured me it wasn’t, but I can’t help thinking it will never be the same.

❤ a girl