Don’t Flatter Yourself

Strangers With Memories

Last week one of my friends was asking about how Jeremiah and I were doing as a couple. Honestly, he and I are absolutely wonderful. That sounds cheesy and some would brush it off as that first stage in a relationship, but by saying we are absolutely wonderful, I am not saying that we are perfect.

We are both flawed people who have our issues that shine through here and there, but we are also both people who understand the other is flawed. We expect for there to be rough times and disagreements, but that is how we find out if we can work together to work through it. I cherish Jeremiah for his issues and his quirks. I might not always understand them, but I like trying, because through trying, I get to learn more about him and the way he ticks.

Well my friend smiled and said she figured Jeremiah and I had the real thing and claimed she knew we would end up together from the start. Laughing, she told me that some thought he was just a rebound. I asked her who and she was like oh, you know.. really just one person. I didn’t know and she told me Q was claiming Jeremiah was just a rebound from him. Who he was telling, who knows, but who cares. He doesn’t get an opinion about anything. I gave him a chance (only God knows why) and he not only let it go, but pushed me so far away even after multiple chances to redeem himself.

I made a point to make sure my heart and head were in the right place before allowing myself to accept my feelings for Jeremiah. I told him no twice before I decided I was ready, so I would rather someone get the facts before spreading false conclusions. Q is the one who decided he didn’t want me, so he doesn’t get to care about what I do or who I see. I finally took steps to cleanse my room of things of his, because I don’t want to be associated with him anymore.

Jeremiah is amazing, sweet, caring, thoughtful, creative, flawed, and weird, but he is who I want. I can’t even remember ever wanting anyone like I want him. He is my best friend and that is how I always wanted it to be. I smile and laugh so much around him, but he also allows me to cry when I need to. We make an incredible team and I cannot wait to see what is in store for us!

Here’s to choosing not to let false, hurtful words actually hurt us, because it isn’t worth it!

❤ Lauren

Mixed Feelings

Mixed Feelings

A few days ago when I heard the lyrics about being a certain person for an amount of time, I was feeling pretty over my whole situation. I felt like I finally understood (as much as I could) what happened and was confident that I could move on.

Then last night I got thrown a curve-ball. My friend and I were on our way to Dallas for an art show when she tells me that she had coffee with Q on Friday. I wasn’t necessarily upset, because a) he and I aren’t together anymore and b) they are allowed to be friends, but I was more jealous of the fact that she got to see him and I can’t. She wouldn’t tell me how he was doing besides telling me that he was fine, but that is the worst adjective ever. It just sucks that I care about him so much and now I know all of this stuff he is dealing with and I can’t even grab coffee and see how he is just because I am the ex-girlfriend.

So now I realize that I am not over it, to make matters worse, he texts me that night after I got back from the show. It was so random. He just asked how my weekend was going. This is a good sign that we have the potential to be friends, but it just caught me off guard. I asked how his weekend was going and I find out that he took his dog to the park and went to see Deadpool. This isn’t a big deal either except those were two things we were supposed to do together. It just amazed me that now he has all this time, money, and energy to meet up with friends, get out of the house, and do stuff…… I guess I am more irritated than anything, but it was good to hear from him.

I am still confident I can move on, but I have to understand that I will always care about him, but that doesn’t mean that I like him. At this moment (for the first time ever!) I don’t really want to be asked out, I just want to focus on me and my friendships… if someone wants to flirt with me and engage in witty banter and just be interested in being a good friend of mine, I won’t be opposed, but I just need to get over the other two relationships that are still nagging at me. I totally understand now how life gets so complicated when real feelings become involved.

Happy Valentine’s Day friends!

❤ Lauren

Thankful For Closure

The crickets are gone!

All of my badgering paid off, because today the silence was replaced with words. Wonderful, wonderful words!!

I couldn’t just give up. Sure, I acted as if I was done. I said I had come to terms with everything. I insinuated that I was moving on. Well this was all untrue. I was still periodically messaging and calling every few days. They all went unanswered until today.

Anytime I am dealing with something confusing, I think about my guy, because he always had a knack for helping me see a little clearer. Well I decided to go at it again, because I desperately needed to hear something. I decided to send an email first, but then I chose to torture myself some more and look at our Facebook messages. He was online, so I took the plunge and sent the most honest message I could muster hoping something would get through.

Then it happened, the little ding that occurred when the person has read your message. My hand started shaking, because this hadn’t happened in over 9 weeks. Then the little gray dots appeared and I almost went into shock. Then his reply popped up and a tear escaped my eye.

I took a deep breath and read his words. His words. His words. My guy had finally given me what I had been seeking for so long. He didn’t hate me. He wasn’t mad at me. He just needed some distance to pull his life back together. I slowly let out my breath and let a few other tears escape.

Y’all might think I am crazy, but I don’t care. I wasn’t hoping for nothing. I didn’t believe for nothing. This is progress and I am so so so thankful!! I do not want to be someone who gives up when things get hard or confusing. I want to be patient and understanding and, most importantly, forgiving.

Closure is bittersweet, but welcomed nonetheless.

❤ a girl

Refusing To Acknowledge Doesn’t Make It Untrue

prayer

It has been awhile, but I have finally come to an understanding. God has been faithful to me even though I refused to acknowledge it.

I prayed every day that He would bring Bailey home quickly, safely, and in good condition. I don’t think I have ever prayed so hard, so often, and so passionately for something. God answered that prayer. Bailey came back the last week of October and was generally fine.

God answered this prayer knowing the outcome. He knew it was not going to turn out like I hoped. He knew how I was going to be affected by Bailey’s inactions. But still He answered my prayer and my pleas to show me the power of prayer.

I now have this specific answered prayer to hold on to when I feel like God is far. He didn’t ignore me then to save me from the hurt and heartache He knew was coming, so now I can have faith and know that God will come through in all situations.

❤ a girl

Don’t Just Throw Me A Bone

chasing

I don’t know if you read these posts anymore, but if you do, don’t miss this: Stop Screwing With My Head! I have made it evidently clear how I feel and I have stayed true through all of this, but what are you doing? Because let me be clear: I am confused.

So you get back and don’t contact me. Fine. No big deal. I figured you were busy trying to get reacclimated to your life. Two days later you message me. It was the most generic word possible, but I was grateful to hear from you. The smiley face made it better. I respond. Nothing. Nothing. Still Nothing.

I call. Nothing. I text. Nothing. I skype. Nothing. I reply. Nothing.

I don’t understand what you want from me. I don’t appreciate being treated like this. If you don’t have an intention to respond (or even read!) my response then please refrain from contacting me in the first place. Don’t misunderstand: I want to talk to you. I have been waiting anxiously for six weeks, but you need to put some effort in as well. You have so many options: Facebook, text message, phone call, tweet, direct message, email, skype………….. I am here. I have been waiting. I have made myself available.

I want to understand where we stand. I want to understand what we are. I want to understand how you feel. I want to understand what you are thinking. But I am running out of explanations and excuses. I want to be here for you. I want you period. But you aren’t making it very easy for me. It feels like you are deliberately ignoring me and in the beginning I was okay with it. I had come to terms with it, but then you go and contact me… why?

I have to stop chasing you. I don’t want to which is why I haven’t been successful thus far. But you need to give me the time of day or make me some kind of priority. Because my head is so foggy, I can’t see think straight. One minute I think you are done with me and then the next you throw me a bone, but then you go back to ignoring me. It has to stop. Tell me what you are thinking or what you want or what you feel… even if you know it isn’t what I want to hear. I would appreciate that more than this.

I miss our monologues. I miss our honesty. I miss our laughter. I miss our smiles. I miss you. But I need some answers.

❤ a girl