Another One Bites the Dust

failed friendship quote 1

It happened again. I have officially lost another best friend. Another person close to me has decided to give up on our friendship, to give up on me. The expiration date came quick this time. It was unexpected and it felt like a knife through my heart.

After the initial explosion back in February when my [now] ex-best friend told me all of her feelings and asked for some space, I gave it to her. I left her alone for months. Our relationship had dwindled down to likes on Facebook with nothing behind them, but I thought that was a step in the right direction. I kept up with her travels through Snapchat and prayed that I could do something right in order to mend our friendship.

Over these past four months of silence, I have had multiple meltdowns. Not being able to have my best friend as my maid of honor, a bridesmaid, or even involved in the wedding planning has been really hard. Before our “fight,” we talked about it all the time. She already had her toast written and her excitement just made me all the more excited. Well turns out she wasn’t excited about it, but actually frustrated with all the wedding talk, so I have been on the fence about inviting her. I was under the impression we would be friends again, so last night after my most recent breakdown, my fiance encouraged me to reach out to her.

Big Mistake! Turns out she never had any plans of us mending our friendship. All I asked was to grab dinner and talk about her travels, but she doesn’t see that happening, because she doesn’t think we make that great of friends. That was that. She just decided it was over. We do make great friends! We were best friends! I’m so sick and tired of people just giving up after one misunderstanding or mistake… of not even trying to work things out or forgive. It is so hurtful and heartbreaking.

So now I am back to where I always seem to be. Lonely. Hurt. Depressed. Friendless. My fiance has been my rock through all of this, but sometimes I don’t understand how he can be the only one who can be there for me no matter what and forgive me when mistakes are made. It just seems so hopeless.

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Fifty-Two Cards in a Deck

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To give you my favorite deck of cards is nothing compared to my heart.
-Jeremiah Grey

I had always dreamed of being in love, married, a wife. The way my life was going it seemed so far into the future, but then God intervened and placed this sweet, weird, handsome man in my path and in fifty-two days I get to marry him!

When I met Jeremiah, I was in no place to be in a relationship. I was depressed, sad, lonely, and just getting back in touch with God, but I was drawn to him and his quirky and different demeanor. It didn’t seem like he was very into me, but we kept getting paired together and I worked hard at trying to get noticed. Through time and unusual circumstances, Jeremiah and I began a journey to becoming the best of friends. Through simple statements turning into all-night deep conversations, I realized that being vulnerable and honest was easy with Jeremiah. We saw sides of each other we would normally hide, but it was refreshing to be so close to someone.

It’s incredible how much things can change over a summer. Jeremiah and I grew so close in those two months, but when the school year started up again everything was different including our church home. This was the place where we met filled with people we though we were friends with, but it just didn’t feel like home anymore and we decided not to go back. I don’t feel leaving was a mistake, but the time it took afterwards to find a new church home was detrimental to our walks with God. We were trying new churches at first, but then grew tired of endless disappointment and eventually stopped looking. Things were going so great for us and between us, the concern of finding a church home was no longer on our minds.

A little over a month ago we stumbled upon a church that was perfect for us, but while attending service on Sundays, I began to feel guilty and far from God. I knew that I needed Him and He would take me back, but didn’t know how to get there. Last night I confided in Jeremiah about how I had been feeling and Jeremiah looked at my tear stained face and told me he had been feeling the same. Together we prayed to ask God to be the center of our relationship and to help us grow together, but toward Him. We want to cultivate a strong Christ-centered marriage. Jeremiah and I know it won’t be easy, but we accept the challenge and responsibility of getting ourselves right with God!

Show Review: Thirteen Reasons Why

Thirteen Reasons Why

Speechless.

Disgusted.

Brokenhearted.

Angry.

T-minus twelve hours since I finished the first season of Thirteen Reasons Why and I am still reeling from the emotional aftermath.

Thirteen Reasons Why is a Netflix Original Series based off of the 2007 young adult novel by the same title by Jay Asher. The show is the story about why a high school junior took her life. Instead of leaving a single suicide note, she records thirteen cassette tapes explaining the events that led up to her decision. Each tape is dedicated to a different person who she feels is partly responsible for her decision due to their actions or inactions. These tapes are left with strict instructions for the person to listen to all the tapes and then pass them onto the next person responsible.

I won’t lie. This story is a powerful one if you give it a chance. With its Pretty Little Liars meets Degrassi feel, some viewers may waive it off as another melodramatic teenage story that tries to deal with tough issues, but fails. I think Thirteen Reasons Why is a beautifully horrific embodiment of the worst-case teenage suicide scenario.

Certain topics are just difficult to talk about and/or portray, but Thirteen Reasons Why dives right into the heart of suicide, sex, rape, bullying, and teen culture including drinking and partying. Having only been out of high school for four years, the behaviors I witnessed and experienced are still fairly fresh and so far this show is the truest depiction of how high school actually functions; the so-called popular kids aren’t all perfect nor were they always popular, friendships suddenly end with no warning, the social groups interlace, and the school staff brushes off opportunities to engage in students’ real lives.

I love how Tony, the “keeper” of the tapes, keeps telling Clay that the tapes are Hannah’s truth. I think that one phrase is so important to situations like these, because how actions are perceived by another person are a complete mystery and we never really know how someone will react to them. The events leading up to Hannah’s suicide are brutal, sometimes hard to watch and sometimes hard to hear, but the events are brutal and hurtful enough to push Hannah over the edge. Some of the events might seem harmless or stupid or petty, but when these events are all stacking up on one person it makes a difference.

Thirteen Reasons Why makes you sick. You feel sick because you want to binge-watch it, but then feel guilty for feeling entertained by a real problem. You feel sick because some of the images and events will haunt you to your core. You feel sick because once it is over, you will be begging for another season.

For Book Readers:

It was very creative the way they incorporated this book into a television show. The original book probably could have successfully been made into a movie, but to make into multiple episodes and possibly other seasons, the writers had to do something to draw it out. I was pleasantly surprised by what they came up with. Instead of leaving it from only Hannah and Clay’s perspectives, you get to see what happened from multiple point of views as well as get background information on the supporting characters.

I read Thirteen Reasons Why probably seven or eight years ago during my first year of high school. Back then I had not experienced much involving the tough topics explored in the text, so I read it in one sitting and raved about it. It made me think twice about how I treated people for awhile, but the effects didn’t last as long as they should have. Now, having watched the show, I felt it not only did the book justice, but it was incredibly impactful!

The ending was remarkable. It was tragic yet had an air of lightness. The setup of the story was that you get to experience the aftermath of Hannah’s suicide through the different supporting characters’ lives. More death. More lies. More drugs. More drinking. More hurt. More depression. There was a lot of spiraling out of control that is easy to miss while you are watching the first twelve episodes, because you are so focused on Hannah, but the season finale brings to light how everyone else is reacting and coping to the tragedy. It was provoking and brilliant.

If you choose to watch Thirteen Reasons Why, I hope the story stays with you for a long time and I hope it changes the way you see the people around you and the way to treat others. Let this story change you!

 

Related Articles:

  1. http://www.teenvogue.com/gallery/rape-culture-in-tv-movies
  2. http://www.tvguide.com/news/13-reasons-why-ending-spoilers/
  3. http://www.tvguide.com/news/13-reasons-why-netflix-differences-book/

Big Changes

Well friends, it has been while!

As of now, I am on the path to joining the real world as a full-blown adult in June! I know that you are officially an adult at age 18, but we all know that for most of us it doesn’t really happen until age 22 or so. In my head, being a full-blown adult means you

  1. Have a full-time job
  2. Pay all of your own bills

This year has been absolutely crazy for me, so let me get you up to speed on what has been going on with me.

January – The Beginning of the End

In January, I began my last semester of college. This was a very exciting yet scary realization. I would never have another first day of school, which sounds amazing, but in reality school is all I have ever done full time and I am really good at it, but after 17 years of school, I was itching to start something different.

February – The Proposal

In February, my beloved Jeremiah asked me to marry him under trees wrapped in twinkly lights and a poem he wrote for me. I said yes agreeing to spend the rest of my life with my best friend! This began the endless crazy that is wedding planning. I had hoped to tell you all about it, but it turns out that wedding planning is not as much fun as the movies make it seem.

March – The Fly-Over Month

Nothing monumental happened in March. You know how there are “fly-over states” that are interesting for those who live there, but to everyone else it is nothing special. That was kind of how March was… if you blinked, you missed it. I made my way through half of the semester without killing anyone, found my wedding dress, took engagement photos, and celebrated Jeremiah’s birthday.

April – The Taylor Swift Song

In April, I turned 22! It was officially my turn to post a cute photo exclaiming it was my birthday and I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 22. What started as a horrible day turned into a very fun evening. I woke up to a job rejection and then had multiple friends cancel on my dinner – that was going to end with cheesecake and that I had planned a couple weeks in advance – so I was feeling pretty grim. The day continued to just hit me while I was already down. When I realized my birthday was probably going to only be me and Jeremiah (which wasn’t a huge deal, but I had hoped I could celebrate with my friends too), I asked my mom to come down and she turned me down too. In the end, 50% of my friends showed up to dinner and 75% made it to drinks afterward. It was a really fun birthday afterall!

May – The Graduate

In May, I graduated college! I said goodbye to The University of North Texas with a smile on face and a diploma in my hand. It was such a bittersweet moment, because as much as I was ready to leave, I had finally made some friends in my major and wasn’t quite ready to let them go. Not only did I graduate (on-time!), I also had a job lined up. The Monday after graduation, I woke up at 6am, sat in traffic for an hour, and started my big-girl salary job at 8am. I am now an associate project coordinator for a telecommunications company in North Texas. I accomplished two of my goals: graduate college and get a real job.

Because I accomplished these two goals, I can actually join the real world and support myself!

Last week, I got my own phone plan and signed up for health benefits. These are two of the most adult things I have ever done and I am so excited that I am going to be able to afford it all on my own. No longer will I have to rely on my parents to help me survive. It is such an exhilarating feeling knowing you are going to make it on your own! Bring on the adulting!

Saying Yes to the Dress

I SAID YES TO THE DRESS!

I’ve never actually seen the show that dons the phrase, but I know it’s what you say when you find your wedding dress, which I did!! But I won’t lie, the process was exhausting.

As excited as I am about finding the most perfect, elegant dress, by the end of the day I was beat. The wedding dress industry is not made for toothpicks like me. I wrote a post two years ago expressing my opinion on the body image crisis of our society. I see everyday ads and articles about how curvy women aren’t ideal, but I live in a world where curveless woman aren’t ideal. I am a curveless woman and I experience unacceptance and insecurity all the time.

Yesterday, I was on a mission to find a wedding dress. To go to boutique after boutique and try on dress after dress and feel like a princess all day. One thing I was not expecting when I started my day was to find that they don’t make dresses to fit small women like me. I looked around the store and realized that they make dresses to fit curvy and plus-sized women, but none that fit small, short, curveless women. Every store I went into squealed with delight at how “small” I was and they would do everything they could to make the dresses fit me. Another thing I was not prepared for was that I would have to go show-off every dress I tried on a runway in front of the entire store. I had to walk in front of all of these strangers in these dresses that swallowed me. One boutique didn’t even have mirrors in the dressing room, so I had no idea how ridiculous I looked until I got out there. That was so unexpected.

A lot of people don’t like it when thin women complain or claim that they don’t fit in. To them, we don’t have problems, because we aren’t overweight or our thighs don’t touch. Well, I am here to tell you than any woman can have insecurities with their body no matter their size, weight, or height. They don’t have to justify it, but we need to understand that there is no perfect shape or weight, but we need to be accommodating to all sizes and not overlook the extremes.

But I am choosing to take the events and feelings of yesterday and use them as a learning experience. I learned I like smaller boutiques that only cater to two brides at a time, so there was less of an audience and that I would love to be an advocate for small brides, because they deserve to have the same options and treatment as tall and curvy brides.

But in the end I found my dress and my dress makes me feel like a princess!