Rather Donate Than Deal

hurtTo be able to say that you are used to being hurt is horrible. The fact that I can log into pinterest and search for quotes about being hurt and the abundance are about how often it happens and how we are used to it is awful. When did our society just accept this behavior and these feelings as normal? When did we stop trying to be better and treat people better? Now it just feels we are always trying to one-up our stories about how we were hurt or how we hurt someone else. It makes me sick.

My friend, you know the friend from Hell who was supposed to be my best friend, who ended our friendship and decided it was over wasn’t worth saving… ya well she struck again. Yesterday, after she told me we weren’t ever going to talk again, because she didn’t think we made good friends, she texted me that she wanted to meet up today to return a swimsuit that I had left at her house. I thought that was nice, so I agreed to meet her. She told me the time and place she would be where I could stop by. I couldn’t make it at that time due to work meetings, so she said she would text me when she was done apartment shopping and we could meet then.

So today rolled around and once my meetings were done I texted her that I was available to meet, so just send me the when and where. Over and hour had passed when she finally texted me back that she was already out of town. WTF! Why didn’t you text me you were leaving, so we could quickly exchange stuff? Why didn’t you reply sooner to give me time to meet you? Why? Why? Why?

My theory: She can’t face me. She thought she could, but when it really came down to it, she can’t.

I told her to donate the swimsuit. I am through dealing with her. She continuously, purposefully hurts me and I am done going through that over and over again.

Pretty, Pink, & Totally Sweet

As you all know I’m getting married in less than a month and all the festivities are in full swing! July has been the busiest month related to the wedding with something to do every weekend. This past weekend, my mom threw me a bridal shower and it was wonderful!

The theme was pink and she went all out. The shower wasn’t exactly a secret, so I went over early to help her set up. We were up until 3am cleaning, setting up, and creating decorations. We finally called it quits to get some sleep. Running only on four hours of sleep, we got the whole party up and running with the help of my bridesmaids and cousins.

A good mix of friends and family were in attendance. We played “Guess How Many Hershey Kisses”, “Movie Quote Quiz”, “What’s on the Apron,” and everyone brought a recipe to put in my recipe box. My mom also created a huge spread of brunch foods that were super delicious!

25 Days to Go! ❤

Another One Bites the Dust

failed friendship quote 1

It happened again. I have officially lost another best friend. Another person close to me has decided to give up on our friendship, to give up on me. The expiration date came quick this time. It was unexpected and it felt like a knife through my heart.

After the initial explosion back in February when my [now] ex-best friend told me all of her feelings and asked for some space, I gave it to her. I left her alone for months. Our relationship had dwindled down to likes on Facebook with nothing behind them, but I thought that was a step in the right direction. I kept up with her travels through Snapchat and prayed that I could do something right in order to mend our friendship.

Over these past four months of silence, I have had multiple meltdowns. Not being able to have my best friend as my maid of honor, a bridesmaid, or even involved in the wedding planning has been really hard. Before our “fight,” we talked about it all the time. She already had her toast written and her excitement just made me all the more excited. Well turns out she wasn’t excited about it, but actually frustrated with all the wedding talk, so I have been on the fence about inviting her. I was under the impression we would be friends again, so last night after my most recent breakdown, my fiance encouraged me to reach out to her.

Big Mistake! Turns out she never had any plans of us mending our friendship. All I asked was to grab dinner and talk about her travels, but she doesn’t see that happening, because she doesn’t think we make that great of friends. That was that. She just decided it was over. We do make great friends! We were best friends! I’m so sick and tired of people just giving up after one misunderstanding or mistake… of not even trying to work things out or forgive. It is so hurtful and heartbreaking.

So now I am back to where I always seem to be. Lonely. Hurt. Depressed. Friendless. My fiance has been my rock through all of this, but sometimes I don’t understand how he can be the only one who can be there for me no matter what and forgive me when mistakes are made. It just seems so hopeless.

Fifty-Two Cards in a Deck

card

To give you my favorite deck of cards is nothing compared to my heart.
-Jeremiah Grey

I had always dreamed of being in love, married, a wife. The way my life was going it seemed so far into the future, but then God intervened and placed this sweet, weird, handsome man in my path and in fifty-two days I get to marry him!

When I met Jeremiah, I was in no place to be in a relationship. I was depressed, sad, lonely, and just getting back in touch with God, but I was drawn to him and his quirky and different demeanor. It didn’t seem like he was very into me, but we kept getting paired together and I worked hard at trying to get noticed. Through time and unusual circumstances, Jeremiah and I began a journey to becoming the best of friends. Through simple statements turning into all-night deep conversations, I realized that being vulnerable and honest was easy with Jeremiah. We saw sides of each other we would normally hide, but it was refreshing to be so close to someone.

It’s incredible how much things can change over a summer. Jeremiah and I grew so close in those two months, but when the school year started up again everything was different including our church home. This was the place where we met filled with people we though we were friends with, but it just didn’t feel like home anymore and we decided not to go back. I don’t feel leaving was a mistake, but the time it took afterwards to find a new church home was detrimental to our walks with God. We were trying new churches at first, but then grew tired of endless disappointment and eventually stopped looking. Things were going so great for us and between us, the concern of finding a church home was no longer on our minds.

A little over a month ago we stumbled upon a church that was perfect for us, but while attending service on Sundays, I began to feel guilty and far from God. I knew that I needed Him and He would take me back, but didn’t know how to get there. Last night I confided in Jeremiah about how I had been feeling and Jeremiah looked at my tear stained face and told me he had been feeling the same. Together we prayed to ask God to be the center of our relationship and to help us grow together, but toward Him. We want to cultivate a strong Christ-centered marriage. Jeremiah and I know it won’t be easy, but we accept the challenge and responsibility of getting ourselves right with God!

Big Changes

Well friends, it has been while!

As of now, I am on the path to joining the real world as a full-blown adult in June! I know that you are officially an adult at age 18, but we all know that for most of us it doesn’t really happen until age 22 or so. In my head, being a full-blown adult means you

  1. Have a full-time job
  2. Pay all of your own bills

This year has been absolutely crazy for me, so let me get you up to speed on what has been going on with me.

January – The Beginning of the End

In January, I began my last semester of college. This was a very exciting yet scary realization. I would never have another first day of school, which sounds amazing, but in reality school is all I have ever done full time and I am really good at it, but after 17 years of school, I was itching to start something different.

February – The Proposal

In February, my beloved Jeremiah asked me to marry him under trees wrapped in twinkly lights and a poem he wrote for me. I said yes agreeing to spend the rest of my life with my best friend! This began the endless crazy that is wedding planning. I had hoped to tell you all about it, but it turns out that wedding planning is not as much fun as the movies make it seem.

March – The Fly-Over Month

Nothing monumental happened in March. You know how there are “fly-over states” that are interesting for those who live there, but to everyone else it is nothing special. That was kind of how March was… if you blinked, you missed it. I made my way through half of the semester without killing anyone, found my wedding dress, took engagement photos, and celebrated Jeremiah’s birthday.

April – The Taylor Swift Song

In April, I turned 22! It was officially my turn to post a cute photo exclaiming it was my birthday and I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 22. What started as a horrible day turned into a very fun evening. I woke up to a job rejection and then had multiple friends cancel on my dinner – that was going to end with cheesecake and that I had planned a couple weeks in advance – so I was feeling pretty grim. The day continued to just hit me while I was already down. When I realized my birthday was probably going to only be me and Jeremiah (which wasn’t a huge deal, but I had hoped I could celebrate with my friends too), I asked my mom to come down and she turned me down too. In the end, 50% of my friends showed up to dinner and 75% made it to drinks afterward. It was a really fun birthday afterall!

May – The Graduate

In May, I graduated college! I said goodbye to The University of North Texas with a smile on face and a diploma in my hand. It was such a bittersweet moment, because as much as I was ready to leave, I had finally made some friends in my major and wasn’t quite ready to let them go. Not only did I graduate (on-time!), I also had a job lined up. The Monday after graduation, I woke up at 6am, sat in traffic for an hour, and started my big-girl salary job at 8am. I am now an associate project coordinator for a telecommunications company in North Texas. I accomplished two of my goals: graduate college and get a real job.

Because I accomplished these two goals, I can actually join the real world and support myself!

Last week, I got my own phone plan and signed up for health benefits. These are two of the most adult things I have ever done and I am so excited that I am going to be able to afford it all on my own. No longer will I have to rely on my parents to help me survive. It is such an exhilarating feeling knowing you are going to make it on your own! Bring on the adulting!