Fifty-Two Cards in a Deck


To give you my favorite deck of cards is nothing compared to my heart.
-Jeremiah Grey

I had always dreamed of being in love, married, a wife. The way my life was going it seemed so far into the future, but then God intervened and placed this sweet, weird, handsome man in my path and in fifty-two days I get to marry him!

When I met Jeremiah, I was in no place to be in a relationship. I was depressed, sad, lonely, and just getting back in touch with God, but I was drawn to him and his quirky and different demeanor. It didn’t seem like he was very into me, but we kept getting paired together and I worked hard at trying to get noticed. Through time and unusual circumstances, Jeremiah and I began a journey to becoming the best of friends. Through simple statements turning into all-night deep conversations, I realized that being vulnerable and honest was easy with Jeremiah. We saw sides of each other we would normally hide, but it was refreshing to be so close to someone.

It’s incredible how much things can change over a summer. Jeremiah and I grew so close in those two months, but when the school year started up again everything was different including our church home. This was the place where we met filled with people we though we were friends with, but it just didn’t feel like home anymore and we decided not to go back. I don’t feel leaving was a mistake, but the time it took afterwards to find a new church home was detrimental to our walks with God. We were trying new churches at first, but then grew tired of endless disappointment and eventually stopped looking. Things were going so great for us and between us, the concern of finding a church home was no longer on our minds.

A little over a month ago we stumbled upon a church that was perfect for us, but while attending service on Sundays, I began to feel guilty and far from God. I knew that I needed Him and He would take me back, but didn’t know how to get there. Last night I confided in Jeremiah about how I had been feeling and Jeremiah looked at my tear stained face and told me he had been feeling the same. Together we prayed to ask God to be the center of our relationship and to help us grow together, but toward Him. We want to cultivate a strong Christ-centered marriage. Jeremiah and I know it won’t be easy, but we accept the challenge and responsibility of getting ourselves right with God!

Big Changes

Well friends, it has been while!

As of now, I am on the path to joining the real world as a full-blown adult in June! I know that you are officially an adult at age 18, but we all know that for most of us it doesn’t really happen until age 22 or so. In my head, being a full-blown adult means you

  1. Have a full-time job
  2. Pay all of your own bills

This year has been absolutely crazy for me, so let me get you up to speed on what has been going on with me.

January – The Beginning of the End

In January, I began my last semester of college. This was a very exciting yet scary realization. I would never have another first day of school, which sounds amazing, but in reality school is all I have ever done full time and I am really good at it, but after 17 years of school, I was itching to start something different.

February – The Proposal

In February, my beloved Jeremiah asked me to marry him under trees wrapped in twinkly lights and a poem he wrote for me. I said yes agreeing to spend the rest of my life with my best friend! This began the endless crazy that is wedding planning. I had hoped to tell you all about it, but it turns out that wedding planning is not as much fun as the movies make it seem.

March – The Fly-Over Month

Nothing monumental happened in March. You know how there are “fly-over states” that are interesting for those who live there, but to everyone else it is nothing special. That was kind of how March was… if you blinked, you missed it. I made my way through half of the semester without killing anyone, found my wedding dress, took engagement photos, and celebrated Jeremiah’s birthday.

April – The Taylor Swift Song

In April, I turned 22! It was officially my turn to post a cute photo exclaiming it was my birthday and I don’t know about you, but I’m feeling 22. What started as a horrible day turned into a very fun evening. I woke up to a job rejection and then had multiple friends cancel on my dinner – that was going to end with cheesecake and that I had planned a couple weeks in advance – so I was feeling pretty grim. The day continued to just hit me while I was already down. When I realized my birthday was probably going to only be me and Jeremiah (which wasn’t a huge deal, but I had hoped I could celebrate with my friends too), I asked my mom to come down and she turned me down too. In the end, 50% of my friends showed up to dinner and 75% made it to drinks afterward. It was a really fun birthday afterall!

May – The Graduate

In May, I graduated college! I said goodbye to The University of North Texas with a smile on face and a diploma in my hand. It was such a bittersweet moment, because as much as I was ready to leave, I had finally made some friends in my major and wasn’t quite ready to let them go. Not only did I graduate (on-time!), I also had a job lined up. The Monday after graduation, I woke up at 6am, sat in traffic for an hour, and started my big-girl salary job at 8am. I am now an associate project coordinator for a telecommunications company in North Texas. I accomplished two of my goals: graduate college and get a real job.

Because I accomplished these two goals, I can actually join the real world and support myself!

Last week, I got my own phone plan and signed up for health benefits. These are two of the most adult things I have ever done and I am so excited that I am going to be able to afford it all on my own. No longer will I have to rely on my parents to help me survive. It is such an exhilarating feeling knowing you are going to make it on your own! Bring on the adulting!

Saying Yes to the Dress


I’ve never actually seen the show that dons the phrase, but I know it’s what you say when you find your wedding dress, which I did!! But I won’t lie, the process was exhausting.

As excited as I am about finding the most perfect, elegant dress, by the end of the day I was beat. The wedding dress industry is not made for toothpicks like me. I wrote a post two years ago expressing my opinion on the body image crisis of our society. I see everyday ads and articles about how curvy women aren’t ideal, but I live in a world where curveless woman aren’t ideal. I am a curveless woman and I experience unacceptance and insecurity all the time.

Yesterday, I was on a mission to find a wedding dress. To go to boutique after boutique and try on dress after dress and feel like a princess all day. One thing I was not expecting when I started my day was to find that they don’t make dresses to fit small women like me. I looked around the store and realized that they make dresses to fit curvy and plus-sized women, but none that fit small, short, curveless women. Every store I went into squealed with delight at how “small” I was and they would do everything they could to make the dresses fit me. Another thing I was not prepared for was that I would have to go show-off every dress I tried on a runway in front of the entire store. I had to walk in front of all of these strangers in these dresses that swallowed me. One boutique didn’t even have mirrors in the dressing room, so I had no idea how ridiculous I looked until I got out there. That was so unexpected.

A lot of people don’t like it when thin women complain or claim that they don’t fit in. To them, we don’t have problems, because we aren’t overweight or our thighs don’t touch. Well, I am here to tell you than any woman can have insecurities with their body no matter their size, weight, or height. They don’t have to justify it, but we need to understand that there is no perfect shape or weight, but we need to be accommodating to all sizes and not overlook the extremes.

But I am choosing to take the events and feelings of yesterday and use them as a learning experience. I learned I like smaller boutiques that only cater to two brides at a time, so there was less of an audience and that I would love to be an advocate for small brides, because they deserve to have the same options and treatment as tall and curvy brides.

But in the end I found my dress and my dress makes me feel like a princess!

Migraine Madness

I suffer from frequent migraines. This has been an ongoing problem since I was about seven years old and it has definitely aged with me. I have learned over the years that not many people actually know or understand what a migraine is and therefore wave it off as a glorified headache. After what I dealt with this weekend, I would like to explain what a migraine is and why they should be taken seriously through my own experiences.

— Possible “Too Much Information” Beyond This Point —

When I was five years old, I refused to poop. I wish I could say this was a short-lived phase, but this serious, embarrassing, and harmful refusal went on till I was about fourteen. I don’t know why I decided to stop pooping, but it was a decision that would gradually impact my entire life. At first, I was able to keep it a secret. It was easy, because no one really monitors how often you go to the bathroom once you stop potty training as long as you don’t say you don’t need to go and you go into a stall and pretend (you know by going through the motions and flushing perfectly good water). So because of these reasons, I don’t blame anyone, but me.

Eventually, my mother found out. It was inevitable, because no one – especially a young child – should have that much “build up” in their body. I started getting cramps in my lower stomach and back, I started needing to violently throw up, I began to eat less and less, and of course I was exhausted. Fun Fact: It isn’t as easy as it may sound to hold in your poop, especially for a little girl like me. She took me the doctor to talk about it (awkward!) and to hopefully get something that would help me want to go and/or make it easier when I had to go. They had me try all sorts of things from stool-softeners to laxatives to muscle relaxers, but I was a persistent little girl and wouldn’t give up.

Once you deal with this for a couple months, your insides get messed up, so you can’t even imagine what dealing with this for nine years did to my bowels. There were so many times that I would end up sobbing in the bathroom floor wishing I could just be normal again, but it is a habit like any other and just as hard to break.

I endured my first migraine when I was in the first grade and I remember it vividly. The strain I had been putting on my body had finally reached its limit, so my brain found a way to get the rest it needed. It was morning, sometime before lunch, that the initial signs began. I started to see “stars” and became extremely cold, then my stomach started to hurt. I complained to the teacher, but she waved me off initially. I complained another time and she sent me to the nurse. The nurse told me I just needed to eat something and then I would feel better, so I went to lunch and ate everything my mom had packed me. Sure enough, about thirty minutes later, I threw it all back up. By this point, I was so pale, I was almost translucent, so they finally called my mom to come get me.

By the time we made it home, I was so cold and so pale and my head was throbbing so hard. My mom had never dealt with anything like this before, so it was pretty scary. She buried me underneath blankets and got my room as dark as possible. She laid beside me rubbing my head while encouraging me to try and sleep. That was difficult, because every hour or so I had to throw up. She pumped me full of water and pain meds, but nothing seemed to work. Being so little, I didn’t know how to handle such pain, so I was crying a lot and my mom was doing everything she could to calm me down, because the crying was putting a lot of pressure on my head making the throbbing worse. After about five hours of torture, I finally had to go to the bathroom. I was in there for what felt like ever with my mom rubbing my back and soothing me, I eventually pooped. After that I was literally spent. My mom carried me back to my room and put me under the covers and laid with me. I fell right to sleep and slept through the night. The next day, I woke up groggy, but back to my normal color and temperature.

That is how and why my frequent migraines began. I finally got my bathroom habits under control in junior high. I hoped that my migraines would stop when the constipation stopped, but they have stayed with me. I remember having a couple a year in high school, but they began full force again when I started college. These post-constipation migraines were a little different. They still hurt like hell, but focused more on light and sound sensitivity. Over time, I learned that my new migraines are caused by stress and lack of sleep. I deal with severe pain behind my right eye as well as getting dramatic “auras” which is the “seeing stars” I referred to earlier, it is the onset of a migraine that impairs your vision. The pain has not lessened, but luckily I know how to combat it a bit better. I have learned that ice packs work miracles for numbing the throbbing, heating pads are wonderful for relaxing the lower stomach and back muscles, creating a no sound/no light atmosphere is ideal for falling asleep, and Excedrin is ibuprofen addict’s dream.

The college atmosphere has contributed to my migraines, because of extensive stress that such a busy schedule puts on a person. Between work and school, I am gone all day which forces me to stay up later at night to work on papers and projects for class which in turn affects how much sleep I get. It is really forcing me to learn how to prioritize my time better than my peers who can pull all-nighters or take drugs to help them stay alert.

This past weekend, I had three migraines. Two on Friday alone and then another on Saturday night. Migraines are brutal and should not be taken lightly. Having all of these migraines was my body’s way of telling me it needs to slow down and rest. From Friday till Monday I was literally a mess. Because I was sleeping constantly, I wasn’t eating as much as I should which therefore led to some major stomach problems I had to deal with on Monday. It is a domino effect.

Please respect people when they tell you they were sick with a migraine. My professors did not take me seriously and now I am behind in my work. I know some claim migraine when they just have a minor headache, but for those of us who really do have a problem, it shouldn’t be taken lightly.

I am very passionate about migraine education, so stay tuned for more information… and don’t worry, it will not be nearly as gross!

I Still Don’t Like Valentine’s Day

Valentine’s Day. The holiday that you can’t openly dislike without serious criticism.

Ever since I was in junior high, I have thought Valentine’s Day was a stupid holiday. Why is it even classified as a holiday? When you’re younger, you decorate cute boxes and write all your classmate’s names on little cards to make sure that everyone feels included, but as you get older that isn’t the case anymore, because you actually understand what the holiday is about.

It is a specified day where society tells your significant other they have to show you they love you. What is special about that? Well, nothing is special about that, because it is not heartfelt or thoughtful, it is obligatory. So your guy takes you to a nice dinner, buys you flowers, brings you breakfast in bed on February 14th… that is great, but it would mean exponentially more to me if he did that on a day where every other guy wasn’t doing the exact same thing, on a day where it isn’t expected.

Before this past year, if I claimed to dislike Valentine’s Day it would get chalked up to the fact that I was single. Woe is me, because I don’t have someone paying attention to me on a day they are told to. The point I was trying to make is that it just isn’t special, because it is a holiday designed to make society money. Imagine how much money is made from flower, chocolate, and card sales… a freaking ton and it is so unnecessary! But now I am engaged and my views haven’t changed and lucky for me, I found someone who sees it the same way as me.

My fiancé and I aren’t celebrating Valentine’s Day, because we both believe that we don’t need a specific day to show the other we love them. He surprises me with food and I leave notes on his windshield. We do little and big things whether we have a reason or not. We aren’t going to buy into the hype or obligation that February 14th brings, we will create that “magic” on some other day when it actually comes from the heart.

But for those of you who do celebrate, Happy Valentine’s Day!