Turn of Events

Remember last summer, late fall, and early winter? Remember all I could talk about? Remember everything I complained about? Remember what continually made me so happy and then made me very sad? One boy.

Things did not end so well and answers were not received, because the silence was so loud. A couple days ago the silence ended with an apology and an explanation in its place.

At first I was shocked, but relieved. Maybe we had a chance at being friends, but little by little, I began to feel weird about it. It was great to finally have the answers I once felt I needed, but now I realized that I had left that in the past.

My brain didn’t know how to feel or react, because of all the history. I realized that I did not know how to be friends with him or even if I wanted to be. It sounded good, but I didn’t think I could actually do it.

So today, I did something I never thought I would be able to… I told him I did not think we should be friends. I have Jeremiah now whom I love him with everything in me and I will not do anything that could jeopardize what I have with him.

I feel that we are on the same page and have gone our own ways with no hard feelings. I think this is a good thing and I am ready to move forward.

❤ Lauren

Not All Things Are Forever

Life is full of seasons. Childhood. Adolescence. Adulthood. Beyond. To go even further, you can split these four seasons into smaller seasons, specifically Adolescence and Adulthood. Within Adolescence, we have elementary school, jr. high, and high school. Within Adulthood, we start with college and keep on trucking through getting real jobs, getting married, and having children. Through all of these seasons everything in your life tends to change, sometimes you can stop it, but sometimes there is nothing you can do.

Besides us as people, I think our friends are what change the most. Whether it be a dramatic change, a drastic change, or a dreaded change; the bottom line is that not all friends are meant to last from day one to the end.

As we go through life, we face different trials. These trials shape us into different people than we once were and sometimes people who are really close to us do not understand. We can try and explain it. We can try and apologize. We can try and revert to our old selves. But sometimes everything we try and do just doesn’t work.

When it becomes more stressful and exhausting and draining to continue being friends, you have to come to terms that maybe it is just time to go your separate ways. It is never easy to see a friendship go, especially for me, who feels all friendships should be forever, but that is implausible. I have struggled with losing friends and letting friends go for as long as I can remember. I beat myself up over the fact that I cannot make them all happy or, better yet, understand me.

But lately I have been uncharacteristically calm about my friendships changing. I have slowly been growing apart from my close friends from high school and was so scared of losing them, but now I have met new people who I am slowly realizing I am more comfortable spending time and sharing my thoughts with. I am learning to cherish the time I have to get to know them and relate to them while we are all in this time of growing.

It has taken me a long time to come to this point in my life where I am okay with my changing friendships. It can even come as a relief to realize that you aren’t chained for all your days to friends who are not growing in the same way or direction that you are.

Let that sink in. Once I came to terms with the fact that it is okay for not all friends to be best friends and not all friendships to be forever, I could start appreciating the friends I currently have and start building lasting relationships with them.

❤ Lauren

The Day That Never Wanted To End

So it happened… I TURNED TWENTY-ONE and it was surely a day I will never forget!

So I had a plan, but most of the time things never quite go according to said plan and yesterday was a beautiful and fun plan-gone-a-different-direction. At the strike of midnight, I was going to go to a bar and get my first legal drink, because why not? I was going with Jeremiah and one of my best friends and meeting another couple there.

Well first we are running way behind schedule. The bars close at 2am, so we were supposed to get there at midnight. We finally arrive and my ID is nowhere to be found yet I am positive I put it in my friend’s purse. We leave to go and look for it. We find it; yay! We park and as we are walking, the strap on my dress snaps. At this point I am trying my hardest not to freak out or cry, but my friend jumps in and ties the strap back to the dress. I am little lopsided, but it wasn’t too noticeable.

It is a miracle when we finally get to our destination with ID in hand and fully clothed. I get there and P (my bestie from last year) has a whole night planned for me with a bar crawl, because apparently you get a free shot from ever bar on the street on your birthday. So there goes my one/two drink limit. I have not been partying or drinking lately, so needless to say I am very out of practice and the first shot was rough, but they did get easier! The deal is that the bartender can make your whatever they want, so I ended up trying lots of stuff I never would have. –>This gal took straight fireball like a champ!<–

7 shots later I was definitely feeling it. So many people, loud music, and there never seemed to be enough water, but it was one of the most fun nights I have ever had (and it was all completely legal!). Some were more drunk than others, but I was proud of the classy demeanor I kept throughout the whole night!

We make it home a little after 3am and pass out! Because my night was a bit crazier than I had anticipated, we did not make it to church and were even late to family lunch. Family lunch was full of so many surprises and smiles! My favorite grandparents made an appearance along with my wonderful parents and ridiculous brothers!

My mom even brought two cheesecakes that the Olive Garden people decorated for me! It was delicious and so thoughtful! I couldn’t quit smiling!

Family lunch lasted awhile and then the fam came by to meet Winnie and work on my car. By the time I was finally free to relax, Jeremiah showed back up and we had to run to the store for last minute things for my party later that night.

My friends and I met up at a restaurant to grab a bite before heading back to my place for games, drinks, and cake! I was a little nervous about mixing my friends, because I know most of them from different areas of my life. A friend from home came up to visit, a girl from class, a guy from an old organization I was apart of, and the rest from my new small group! Luckily, everyone seemed to get along!

Around 8pm, we were ready for games, but of course I ended up leaving my purse at the restaurant, so I had to go back leaving my friends to fend for themselves at my place. All worked out and it was such a fun, awkward time! All of the festivities including the cake and plates and stuff were my favorite colors and seeing my friends mesh was exciting.

It was a better birthday than I ever could have imagined. A little crazy, a little weird, a little sweet…. just wonderful! I am so ready to face this year as a 21 year old! Let’s do this!

❤ Lauren

Another Year Gone

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 21 years old and it seems so surreal. As I wait for the strike of midnight to go out for my first legal drink, I started thinking about where I was at this point last year. This blog chronicles my life up until my 20th birthday almost day by day, but it is crazy to go back and look at how things have changed.

Last year, I was trying to figure out who I wanted to be. I was busy battling what I believed, deciding on my definition of being good, and making all the mistakes I never did in my teens. I won’t lie, it was a pretty monumental time for me that set up the person I am now. I drank and partied and laughed and made memories. As many would be disappointed if they knew what I had been up to and some would disapprove; I wouldn’t change dealing with that for anything.

As tomorrow arrives I am curious as to who will show up to wish me a good birthday. I have lost some best friends since last year and made some amazing new ones. Part of me feels like those friendships aren’t completely over, but if they remember my birthday or send me a simple ‘happy birthday’ I will know our friendship is not dead. I am crossing my fingers that I still have something to work with and time has helped heal our wounds.

But either way, I have been looking forward to tomorrow for weeks now. I have a small two drink thing for midnight with a few best friends, church in the morning, lunch with my family, and then dinner plus party with my friends for the night! It should be a fabulous day filled with fun, smiles, laughter, and silliness. I am so excited and it cannot get here fast enough.

Let’s hope that year 21 treats me better than year 20, but that I learn just as much!

❤ Lauren

I Tripped and Fell Flat on My Face

We met back in October. He was new to the small group I had just started attending. I was sad and depressed. He was sad and lonely. We didn’t think much of it.

Over the next few months, we gradually became friends. Discussion partners, group movie dates, ice skating, Star Wars conversations, holiday parties… it wasn’t on purpose, it wasn’t strategic, it just happened.

I remember one cold, frosty, rough night in January, I texted him asking if he was still awake. He was (because he never sleeps). I asked him if he knew any jokes. He did (because he thinks he is too funny). I asked him if he would tell me one. He did (and it was hilarious!). This became our thing. Whenever one was having a bad day, the other would know, because they would simply ask for a joke.

It was small things like this. I didn’t even notice it happening. But after awhile he just was my best friend. Nothing was too awkward. Nothing was too embarrassing. Nothing was too nerdy. Nothing was too quirky. We just let it all out little by little without even realizing.

Have you ever tripped and fallen on your face and realized it was exactly where you wanted to be the whole time?

That is me. Right now. I tripped and started falling. When I tried to catch myself, I failed and it just so happened to be the best thing to ever happen.

We are kind of dating. But since we are outwardly best friends, no one thinks anything of it. They have asked, but we always just laugh and confirm we are best buds (which we are). The truth is that I like him. I like laughing with him. I like talking with him. I like spending time with him. But I am so hesitant– not to let someone in –but to just be. So we haven’t told anyone.

I am scared, because once you get a “label” everyone else becomes so interested in your business. They question your decisions. They want every detail. They judge. They give their opinions. That has ruined previously good things in my life. So right now I want to just enjoy everything with my best friend and leave it at that. I feel like all will work out in due time.

But for right now… I am happy!

❤ Lauren